No man's land is lonely, scary, and seems to be endless. I don't have rage and hatred towards my brother who molested me. I don't want to waste my energy and be weighed down by anger. At the same time I have no interest in a relationship with him, especially since he has taken no ownership in his wrongdoing.

Is neutral where I need to be to move on? I want to put this behind as much as I can. Right now all I feel is stuck. Stuck with overwhelming feelings of sadness and hurt. I feel I am mourning. Shattered and exhausted emotionally and physically. My eyes suddenly feel heavy. Thinking about the terrible sexual abuse I went through drains me. I feel everything shutting down begging to go to sleep to stop focusing on the past; on pain and hurt.

Blocking it out is only temporary. The tense emotions will resurface again and again. I need to face my fears: what scares me the most? Am I using this abuse as a crutch? Making excuses for myself that my self esteem is low because of what I went through? I am overweight and have body issues a lingering effect of the abuse?

I like to think I am in touch with myself. I believe if it were the case, that I was accountable in these issues, I would take responsibility and make changes. I am making changes already, though I feel it is going so slow. I feel I am not making excuses; rather this is the results of my space and privacy and much more being invaded and controlled by someone else.

The further I work on this saga, the more I find new area's that needs to be dealt with. My favorite childhood toy was a babushka - a Russian doll. I loved taking off layer after layer until I reached the end: a tiny doll. I would close each section, carefully aligning the pictures so they matched. Now I feel I work on an area in my life, I try to mend the pieces put them together. Feeling good and accomplish only to discover another layer that needs fixing. Never ending layers, when will it end?

I feel blocked I haven't cried over this and it worries me. Reading a book watching a movie anything remotely sad I have tears I get choked all emotional I let it out. It may be too scary to get emotional as crying will confirm it really happened. The emotional pain which I have concealed and buried deep inside me, brought to the surface through tears might shake my entire being. I worry the tears won't stop once I start.

Now, it feels there is a concrete wall in my emotions regarding the abuse. Practically - what can I do to put this in the past to recover? Emotionally - remaining distant, petrified what could happen if let myself feel. I already witnessed what's happens when I talk it through with my therapist I physically hold myself tight I am tensed my face is twisted in agony. Why cry to suffer more or can it result in helping in my recovery?

I am petrified that I will chisel a crack in the concrete wall I have carefully built. Allow my emotions to come trickling through only for the cement to start growing. Never stopping until I am suffocated with painful experiences. How do I know there is nothing else I am hiding beneath my facade? My excruciating painful abuse was brought to the surface when my therapist simply asked 'had I been touched'. Words that spun me around and changed my world how I knew it, as memories flooded my mind.

The feeling of being controlled with no puppet strings attached is frightening. I feel torn between being a child confused and extremely scared obliging an older brother's sick behavior. The other spectrum being a adult that can't seem to untangle myself from the strings sown into the depths of my being. Not allowing myself to emotionally mourn is harmful to my growth. Is the feeling of being under threat with no immediate danger near, a real danger? This sick human lives in a different country I have no contact with him. He cannot touch, bully, or try any move on me. I still feel his manipulating self hovering over me, silently making choices for me.

I feel torn; a part of me feels controlled while the fighting side of me feels controlling. Not crying and getting emotional I have power, power to hold back. You sicko, may have touched me physically but you will never get to the inside of me. My emotions are out of bounds unlike my physical body you took advantage of. If I let go, cry then you molester took everything how can I rebuild from nothing.

When I look in the mirror who am I fooling? I know me well when I am hurting everything is affected. When will I realize the mind and body are connected? Being wrongly touched sends a whole shock wave throughout the body. Manifesting itself through thoughts and actions. My 'theory' of holding on to my emotions so my insides stay safe doesn't quiet work. What I held on to for strength has disintegrated into nothingness. What am I left holding?

Tonight for the first time I feel I am holding the prize. Stripped bare of layers of pain hurt distrust anger self hate I feel alive again. I have no excuses I have no wall to hide behind I have me. I am experiencing the joy again of finding the prize after layers of wrapping. I feel free to laugh, yell be silent or cry. I have had my self-love taken for a while, now it's back with full force.