Thank you Hashem for all your kindness and love you bestow on myself and my husband. It is early in the morning, when I should still be sleeping. I woke up after a restful, deep relaxing sleep to use the restroom and I am having difficulty falling asleep. I am reflecting on the past several years and focusing on the past few intense months. I feel mixed emotions but I am overcome with an intense love, happiness and gratitude towards my husband. We had overcome challenges and struggles and became stronger more connected and more caring towards each other.

Excited feeling blessed and armed with lots of questions we made our way to our second ultrasound appointment. Nothing prepared us for the blank faces, soft apologies and silence as several doctors confirmed the unthinkable. In shock and disbelief I questioned the best course of treatment while my husband looked on ill. We drove home no tears came, trying to stay afloat and survive. I convinced my husband to drop me off at work and to pick up the prescription. When I lit Shabbos candles later that evening the tears came as I welcomed in Shabbos and said goodbye to our hopes and dreams.

Several months later I continued to feel the raw pain of suffering a  miscarriage. I reached out to close family and friends and attended a  support group, at times the pain was unbearable. I mourned very differently than my husband, it took time for me to accept I was not in control. Unconsciously I blocked my emotions to survive the physical and emotional pain, as a result my journey to accepting and feeling alright with being vulnerable took time.

During that period our communication was not at its best.  My husband and I together started seeing a marriage counselor. We grew and learnt amazing new skills and became closer and closer. My search to finding an appropriate space to be true was always there. I felt loved and in a safe place to share whatever going on with my husband. He is supportive patient and constantly tells me loves me. Couple counseling made that awareness apparent and gave me skills to tap into being alright at times to need to lean onto him for extra support.

In the winter I suffered from a slipped disk in my back. The pain was unbearable I was out of work for a while and unable to move. For a period of five days my husband could not leave me alone for a minute. I could not sit stand or do anything alone. Every day I went back and forth to the chiropractor and very slowly healed.  Two weeks ago while at work I felt lower back pain. I changed my regular appointment to that afternoon and received confirmation that the disk had bulged and was very inflamed. The difference this time, I had stronger core muscles I knew the correct way to get in and out of bed and several exercises to alleviate the pain.

Completely dependent on my husband as the pain quickly escalated this time I felt something was different. I had been under tremendous stress recently.  I was deeply webbed in an unhealthy toxic relationship with a relative. I knew the pain was related to the stress, the pain was very real I had awareness it was manifested by my mind and the emotional abuse I had endured. I was eating consciously and seeing a dietician I had no outlet to binge or numb the pain with food. The pain was raw and real and crippling. I went to therapy in the midst of this saga I could not sit comfortably or walk well I was physically weak. I knew if I wanted to heal I needed to talk through the pain. After an intense session I learnt the pain can get worse when I expressed all my feelings, the hurt anger and fears were real as was the pain.

The feeling of knowing I can control which relationships I invest in and which ones I let go of was empowering. Experiencing the pain move  down my body and temporarily leave was freeing and gave me strength to push on. Many night I woke up my husband because the pain was too intense and cried and spoke what was on my mind. Years of suppressing my emotions not dealing left much to discuss. One intense night my husband promised me he would never let anyone hurt me again. It was a breakthrough moment I finally let go and started to heal.

Occasionally the pain comes back in different forms weakness in my body. I take the time to reflect, it is not always painful or sad, at times it can be nerves or small fears. Acknowledging the pain and working out the issue is the best self care I can do. I am not pain free, nevertheless the feeling of gratitude happiness and contempt is overwhelmingly good.

Dear G-d thank you for giving me my precious husband, bless be your name forever and ever, Amen!