Dear Therapist:

My 7th grade daughter is in sleepaway camp for the first time and is very homesick. Do you think it is better to try and talk to her by phone every day and send her packages etc.? Or is it better to just leave it and let her figure it out. Does calling her more than once a week actually make it worse or is this a good way to support her? What other recommendations would you have for dealing with homesickness? Thank you for your advice. 

Response:

As with most things, the response to your question depends on numerous factors. These include the severity of your daughter’s homesickness and its duration and progression, her age and maturity level, your relationship with her, past experiences, her personality and ways in which she emotionally handles separation (and other similar issues), as well as her situation in camp. 

For clarity’s sake, I will describe two examples from opposite ends of various extremes. In the first example, an eight-year-old with abandonment issues is at overnight camp with kids with whom she doesn’t relate. She feels that no one at camp cares about her. She recently lost a grandfather with whom she was very close and she has trouble coming to terms with this loss. Emotionally immature, she can’t separate feelings of abandonment from those of loneliness. 

She feels alone and abandoned. She has been in camp for five weeks. Although at first, she felt just a bit homesick, her feelings of loneliness and abandonment have continually increased, leading to increasingly higher levels of homesickness and sadness. She feels this way most of the day every day. 

In the second example, we have a twelve-year-old who is emotionally mature, and who understands that her feelings of homesickness are normal. She feels close enough with staff members and other campers to confide in them. She is confident in her relationship with her parents, and recognizes that they are always there for her and that they want the best for her. 

She has been in camp for a week and was excited at first. After a couple if days she began feeling homesick at times, but not very often. Although these feelings are beginning to wane, she is open with her feelings and they still bother her enough to mention them to her parents. 

The girl in the first example probably needs quite a bit of attention and reassurance that her parents care about her and will always be there when she needs them. Although her parents may not want to coddle her, they recognize that at this moment in her life it is important for her not to feel abandoned. They may want to encourage her to also speak with someone like the camp mother so that she can feel connected with someone in camp.

The second girl may also be looking for some reassurance, but her feelings and needs are more rationally understood. Though she recognizes that it’s okay to feel homesick, it feels good to be reminded of this and that these feelings are getting better. She is generally having a good time, and she feels connected to her family. Therefore, she doesn’t need constant phone contact; she looks forward to weekly conversations.

In both examples, speaking with staff at the camp can be helpful. For the girl in the first example, this may be crucial in helping her to feel cared for and loved. It can help her to partially emotionally transfer her need for connection and support from her parents to a parent figure in camp. 

For the girl in the second example, properly discussing her needs with her counselor can help them to cater to these needs to the extent necessary. 

I don’t know the specifics of your daughter’s situation but she likely falls somewhere between these two extremes. Speaking with her counselor or with other appropriate staff members can help them to understand how they can best support her. Head staff often have many years of experience in dealing with homesickness. When speaking with them, expressing your concerns and describing factors like those mentioned can help them to determine the best approach. They can help you to resolve any conflicts that you have, like appropriate emotional support versus improper coddling. 

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

Disclaimer

The contents of this blog, including text, graphics, images, and other material are for informational purposes only.  Nothing contained in this blog is, or should be considered or used as, a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.  Never disregard medical advice from your doctor or other qualified health care provider or delay seeking it because of something you have read on the Internet, including on this blog.  We urge you to seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health professional with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition.  In case of emergency, please call your doctor or 911 immediately.  The information contained on or provided through this blog is provided on an "as is" basis, without any warranty, express or implied. Any access to this blog is voluntary and at your own risk.