Dear Therapist:

I recently realized that I am never happy with myself. I used to think that if I learned well, did a good shidduch, was top of my class, and was successful, then I would finally feel worthwhile. I was recently complaining to a friend and he pointed out to me that objectively things are really good right now and if I feel so bad all the time, I should probably get help.  It was a bit jarring to me honestly. I am starting to think that I will never feel good about myself. I was wondering if you could explain to me how/if therapy would help something like this.

Response:

Essentially, you’re referring to self-esteem. I have discussed self-esteem many times. Rather than reinvent the wheel, I will reiterate, combine, and adapt parts of my past responses.

Laymen and professionals alike tend to confuse self-confidence with self-esteem. The reason for this is that the popular notion of self-esteem is of someone who has confidence in himself (i.e. in his abilities). However, sense of self that is based on externalities like abilities is not indicative of true self-esteem. Thus, self-confidence is a false form of self-esteem, since it speaks to people’s abilities rather than to their intrinsic attributes. For instance, you may have confidence in your learning, dating, or work capabilities, yet not have positive feelings about who you are.

I could argue that the average person does not have good self-esteem. Unfortunately, low self-esteem appears to be a very common problem. There are scant few people who truly feel positively toward themselves to the point where external factors have little impact.

With regard to building self-esteem, it is definitely not too late. I have worked with people of all ages in this regard, and most of them have increased their self-esteem, some to a large degree. For some, simply the intellectual shift from an externally-based focus on feelings toward themselves to an intrinsically-based one was enough to jump start their new way of seeing themselves—and therefore their work on building self-esteem.

True self-esteem comes from feeling good about our intrinsic attributes rather than those external to us, like how we look, what we have accomplished, or what others think of us. Intrinsic attributes can include “smart,” “funny,” “caring,” and many others. These words can all be defined externally or intrinsically. For instance, if your attribute is “smart,” but you only feel smart in situations where you can monitor your progress or accomplishments, you don’t feel that “smart” is something that defines you.  Rather, you feel that “smart” is something that you do. Someone, however, who recognizes that he is intrinsically a smart person can sense this quality within himself. Without relating “smart” to specific situations, he simply feels smart. That is, he recognizes aspects of himself—his thoughts and feelings—that are intelligent.

There are two basic differences between how we view others and how we view ourselves. (This largely correlates to how we feel toward others and toward ourselves.) When we think about others, we usually do so in a very general manner. We like the person or we don’t. We feel good about who they are or we don’t. We typically do not focus on particular qualities, traits, or other personality factors in order to determine our feelings toward them. It is simply an automatic sense of who they are. This makes it difficult for us to transfer positive feelings about others onto ourselves.

We also like others based on who they are intrinsically. Although we may not consciously consider this, we like others for personality qualities, like being caring or dedicated (not actions related to these). In addition to not focusing on personality (intrinsic) qualities, we don’t consider factors external to who the person is. The difference is that intrinsic qualities factor into our feelings toward others, while external factors do not.

Another person’s qualifications, achievements, looks, and possessions do not in any way change our feelings about who they are (whether we like them). However, since we tend not to view ourselves in an intrinsic manner when we consider how to feel about ourselves, we obsess about the external. We try to feel good about ourselves based on looks, achievements, what others think of us, and other factors that would have no bearing on our feelings toward others. In contrast to how we view others, external qualities factor into our feelings toward ourselves, while intrinsic factors typically do not.

Just as we are able to automatically get a sense of who someone else is without extraneous material, we can—technically—do this for ourselves. In fact, we should theoretically be better able to do this for ourselves than for anyone else. When we think in the typical manner, however, we can quickly get mired in all the external factors. Do I always think of others? What have I done for someone lately? What about the time that I didn’t help that person? Am I really accomplished? What have I achieved in my life?

These are not questions that we ask about others. When it comes to others, these concerns are completely irrelevant to how we feel toward them. We like them because they are generally caring and dedicated—not because of specific actions or accomplishments. Therefore, when we step back and consider who the other person is, we are able to recognize the intrinsic qualities that define them.

We are, however, able to do the same for ourselves. Although there is a system to building intrinsically-based self-esteem, I will briefly describe the basic process. The first step is to clearly recognize the fact that we view others both generally and intrinsically. The next step is to begin identifying the intrinsic qualities that make us feel positively toward others. This allows us both to move away from automatic feelings and to feel good about qualities rather than about the person. As we connect the dots between others’ personalities and our positive feelings toward them, we can begin doing the same for ourselves.

Of course, this is a simplistic view of self-esteem. Although theoretically, changing your perspective to better focus on your feelings toward yourself can help you to increase your self-esteem, this is easier said than done. Also, there are other aspects to this process. Additionally, there may be traumas, negative mental associations, or other issues that should be addressed separately. Changing focus may help you to begin raising your self-esteem. Working with a professional, however, can accelerate this process and help you to identify and address other related issues.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro College

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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