Dear Therapist:

 I have a middle-aged younger brother who lives a depressed, resentful, lonely, unemployed life. My mother, an almanna, has a heart of gold and would do anything to help him. Yet, he gets extremely angry at her when they speak on the phone, and expresses deep resentment to her, which is similar to how he connected with our father a"h. He thinks she favors me over him, among other gripes. On the rare occasion that he visits our city, he will hardly see me (I'm #1 on his resentment list), and if he does, he looks to confront or humiliate me in front of my children. 

My cousin who I'm very close with, has an adult daughter who seems to have similar issues, although not as severe. I know they’re both aware of their challenges, but they are embittered people and make it like everyone else is the problem. How is one meant to assist (or deal with) a mentally ill adult in the family who is not asking for help, and has no adults they really connect to? It's beyond painful to see lives with so much potential, being totally wasted.

Response:

You are asking how your brother (and your cousin) can be helped. You are also (parenthetically) asking for help in dealing with this situation. These are two very different questions that should be separately addressed. However, there are some overlaps.

With regard to helping your brother, this essentially comes down to his own issues and insecurities. Therefore, he is the one who needs to seek help. I don’t know whether he is. But the first step in dealing with feelings of anger, resentment, and other negative reactions is typically acknowledging that the issue resides in oneself.

Most often, the reason that we resent others or confront or humiliate them is that we feel badly about ourselves. Our negative actions reflect our attempts to deal with emotions of which we are either unaware or are desperately attempting to deflect (or a combination of the two). Therefore, becoming aware of the root cause (our negative feelings toward ourselves) is step one. Once we are aware of the true cause of our pain, we can begin questioning (and changing) our reactions to it.

All of this may seem purely academic. And it may be—unless you can gain from this yourself or your brother happens to be reading this. If this helps you to possibly understand your brother a little better, it may help you to deal with your own emotional response to his actions.

Although we are ostensibly discussing your brother’s problems, these clearly affect you and likely others as well. By extension, these issues can impact on those around you, on your family, and on your relationships with others.

I don’t know how you currently deal with or respond to your brother’s actions, but the same first step that can be helpful for him might help you to better handle situations with him in which you are involved. The better that you can understand your brother’s pain, the easier it will be for you to understand his actions—and the meanings behind them. This can help you to respond in ways that you feel are appropriate, rather than emotionally and in ways that you might later regret.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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