Dear Therapist:

My wife has close friends, and she isn’t shy. But I notice that she avoids big events. Simchos, Shabbos meals with new people, even shul. She will come up with an excuse not to go. She doesn’t say it’s anxiety, just that it’s “too much,” or that she’s not in the mood. She always has been like this to a degree, but it is getting worse recently.

Is it possible to be a sociable person but still struggle with certain settings like that? Is this some kind of social anxiety, even if it doesn’t look like the typical shy type? How can I help her get past this?

Response:

There are a few words and phrases you mention that relate to your wife’s social connection and general sociability. You note shyness, avoidance, excuses, anxiety, not being in the mood, and the sense that something is “too much.” These can all mean different things, or they can point in a similar direction.

When we speak of someone being shy, we generally think of a person who isn’t very gregarious and is quiet in social settings. People can be “shy” for different reasons. Some simply enjoy taking things in but have no problem contributing when they want to. Others are afraid of what others might think of them—which is really a projection of what they think of themselves (low self-esteem). When someone has this issue, it can be referred to as social anxiety.

Avoidance is simply the action—or inaction—that someone takes. Sometimes avoidance is used in order not to deal with a situation, thought, or feeling. It’s the reason for the avoidance that might need to be addressed. One person may avoid going to shul because it’s cold outside and they don’t have much in common with the people there. Someone else may avoid shul because social settings—or that particular setting—make them feel anxious or inferior.

People who are anxious often make excuses in order to avoid an anxiety-provoking situation. Sometimes they are not consciously aware that they’re creating an excuse to cover up an emotional issue. However, from an outside perspective (like yours), reasonable explanations may seem like excuses.

Is your wife truly making excuses to avoid problematic emotions? If so, is she aware of this? Or are her excuses largely unconsciously driven? Are you overanalyzing her “excuses”? Have you had a frank discussion with her, describing your concerns?

It is certainly possible for someone to be naturally sociable yet still have social anxiety that affects their ability to follow their natural tendencies. If this is the case for your wife, she could definitely benefit from addressing it—especially if much of her avoidance is unconscious. However, bear in mind that, although you are affected by this, it is ultimately her issue. She needs to have the incentive to work on it. If she is reluctant, the help you can offer may be mostly in the form of encouragement, understanding, and letting her know that you’re there for her when she needs support.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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