Dear Therapist:

Over Yom Tov, I was by a few different families, and I found myself constantly comparing myself to them.  One family had such a calm atmosphere, another had a beautiful home, and everyone just seemed so confident, happy, and “put together.” I couldn’t help but compare it to my own life—and walk away feeling like I’m behind, or like I’m not enough. I am not sure if it's just me but I definitely have a tendency to do this, and I realize it makes me miserable. How do I stop thinking like this? Why is it so hard to stop?

Response:

It can be very difficult to feel “less than” when comparing yourself to others. I know this because I have experienced this. I don’t know a single person who hasn’t.

A very strong argument can be made to the effect that a primary need for which all humans strive is self-esteem. Sure, we identify interim goals along the way. We convince ourselves that we want a certain amount of money (beyond what is necessary for financial security).

Why? Well, we want a nice, big house and a “respectable” car. Why? In order to feel accomplished. Why is that important to us? So that we can feel good about ourselves.

But why do we have such strong drives to feel good about ourselves in the first place? Clearly, the drive to boost our egos is due to negative self-valuation. If I were to just naturally feel positively toward myself, I wouldn’t need external validation—whether from others, or from my possessions or accomplishments.

Imagine someone who has genuinely developed strong intrinsic self-esteem. They’d feel comfortable around others. They wouldn’t compare themselves to others in a judgmental way. Instead, their sense of self would come from within.

But for someone who bases their self-worth heavily on external factors, the need never truly goes away. It may be satisfied at times in short intervals, but it quickly reappears as soon as the novelty of success becomes the new norm. They are then just as emotionally driven to attain the next high. And as this cycle repeats, the need often intensifies.

In the past, I have written about how to build self-esteem that’s rooted in intrinsic qualities. Essentially, this involves identifying and internalizing your core traits—like being thoughtful,  creative, or kind—so that your self-worth becomes based on who you are, not on what you own or how you appear. In this way, we learn to value ourselves based on intrinsic qualities—just as we value others.

Of course, our ultimate emotional goal is happiness. But self-esteem is a key driver of that happiness. Working directly on your self-esteem in the proper, intrinsically-based fashion, can gradually decrease your reliance on externalities (like how you compare to others) and allow you to start feeling more at peace with yourself—and your life.

 -Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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