by Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW and Chaya Feuerman, LCSW

From time to time we encounter parents who are under a combination of psychological stressors such as mental health difficulties, sholom bayis challenges, financial stress, and personal temperament that makes it highly inadvisable for them to have more children. However, sometimes because of what could be misdirected laced piety, these parents continue to have more and more children, causing damage to the children and to themselves.

Though concerns such as these are traditionally has discussed in more tznius venues, we have decided that the potential damage caused by keeping quiet is greater than the harm of speaking out about something that in other times might not have been discussed. Of course the entire matter of birth control is most definitely an individual and private halachic matter. Ideally, it should be raised in personal discussions with a qualified posek and not broadcasted in newspapers. The mitzvah of having children and the prohibitions regarding inappropriate birth control are sacred, and its many nuances can easily be misinterpreted when mass produced. Nevertheless, over the years we continue to encounter a relatively small but still significant subset of the population who are simply too scared, embarrassed or guilt-ridden to take the important and necessary steps to limit their family size, thereby causing damage to their families, their sholom bayis and themselves.

Of course, we know of large families who have a dozen children, all of them beautiful, healthy and well-adjusted etc. This series is not a screed against devout and energetic parents who raise large families. This series is being written to address those who feel either intense social pressure or a misplaced and inappropriate religious pressure to continue to have children beyond what is healthy for them.

The halachos regarding birth control are complex and subject to disagreement among poskim. We will not discuss the halachos in this article as there are ample sources available in Hebrew as well as English, (and if the reader sends us an email, we can supply some.) Suffice it to say that there are certain situations where it is reasonable to seek a heter from a rav for birth control, and we will limit the discussion to identifying what some of those situations are, and what some of the barriers are to asking for such a heter. Even though there also are important categories that consider in the rav's decision such as whether the parents fulfilled the Biblical obligation of having children which consists minimally of one male child and one female child, and what method of birth control is being used, this is something we also will omit from this article. The reason being, that in the end, the couple does not need to be sophisticated in the halacha. Rather, they need to be honest with themselves and with their rav about their psychological and emotional stressors, and the reasons they are seeking a heter. The halachic details are up to the rav; the couple just needs to give the rav the complete picture. This is not always easy to do, and shame often holds people back from telling the rav exactly what is going on.

On the other side of the issue, the rav should be sensitive and listen carefully. Some rabbonim may be afraid to "lead the witness" and not want to push for a heter if the person is not asking for it too strongly. However, our experience is that often people understate their distress. So, we hope this series can also encourage rabbonim to listen for hidden mental health and other stressors that their congregants may be too ashamed to speak of openly. Mental health, distress, anguish and lack of sholom bayis can, at times, even be a matter of life and death. However, it takes a sensitive and wise rav to read between the lines and to know when his congregant is hiding bigger issues behind a routine question.

Shame and Guilt

There are couples who feel too embarrassed and ashamed to discuss their situation with a rav and therefore are unable to get a heter for birth control despite being in a situation that warrants it. For example, Post Partum Depression is unfortunately not uncommon. While some cases are quite mild and heal on their own, there are women who suffer from Post Partum Depression for years after childbirth. (We suggest an excellent book on this topic, written by a mother and journalist who herselfsuffered from Post Partum Depression: The Ghost in the House: Real Mothers Talk About Maternal Depression, Raising Children, and How They Cope, by Tracy Thompson There is also a Jewish Book about PPD, called "Waves of Blue".) Many mothers who suffer from Post Partum Depression feel intense shame and inadequacy because one of the tormenting thoughts that they may feel may be not wanting the baby, or hating the baby. Such mothers may have hard time admitting it to their husbands, or their husbands may be in denial, not able to fully accept the reality of the situation.

If there are sholom bayis problems, such as the couple is fighting a lot, or there is a pattern of emotional abuse, it may be difficult to admit it to the rav. We remind you that a rav is not a mind reader and being too embarrassed to give details interferes with obtaining an appropriate heter. For example, if the husband minimizes the problem because he is embarrassed and tells the rav something like, "My wife is feeling a little stressed" when he really should be saying "We are fighting a lot; our marriage is in real trouble", he won't get the same kind of heter. True, it may be anxiety-provoking to tell a rav such personal information, and it may even be hard to admit to yourself how bad things are. But if you don't begin to recognize and work on the problem, there is little hope for a solution.

Another aspect of shame and guilt that holds people back from seeking heterim even when they really need it is that of not living up to community standards. In some communities, there is an invisible but very real pressure to produce many children in the marriage - early and often. Of course, it is a great mitzvah to have children and any community that does this mitzvah zealously should feel proud and inspire its members to fulfill this mitzvah (and all others as well, including mitzvos ben odom lachevro) in its highest and purest form. Nevertheless, it is important to balance this zeal with a realistic acknowledgement that in our times, medical science has advanced to the extent that the purely physical ability to have children has far surpassed the psychological ability. In the time of the Gemara, a woman would generally not menstruate for 24 months subsequent to childbirth, obviously rendering her infertile. (This is based on the Gemara Niddah 9a. Note: The Gemara there attributes this state not solely due to nursing, but rather due to the trauma of childbirth "evareha misparkin". Interestingly, Rav Henkin (Bnai Bonim, Teshuva 30) actually cites this Gemara as part of a general heter for some amount of spacing between children, though Rav Moshe rejects this approach (Igros Moshe, E.H. I:64.) In today's times, due to ample nutrition and advanced medical care, many women can easily conceive every year - in terms of pure physical stamina. But not every woman can handle this in a psychological sense. Such women should not be embarrassed or ashamed to take time to recover before having another child, and in some way, her peers and loved ones should recognize that and help temper this invisible pressure.

Reading Between the Lines

As we mentioned in previous articles, there are couples who feel too embarrassed and ashamed to discuss their situation with a rav and therefore are unable to obtain a heter for birth control despite being in a situation that warrants it. And while it is true that no rav is a mind reader, and it is really the responsibility of the couple to be honest with the rav about the difficulties and stresses they experience, we encourage rabbonim to sensitively listen with a third ear to the shaalos that are asked.

Many people are too embarrassed to discuss their sholom bayis problems. Even when they do, they tend to downplay it. However, a sensitive rav can read between lines and ask more questions or encourage his congregant not to be afraid to open up and tell more when he hears a shaala that may be deeper than it appears at first glance. Here are some examples of what we call "iceberg shaalas", meaning that the asker only shows the tip of the iceberg, while the deeper issue remains submerged. A man might ask his rav about whether his children can bring gebrokts into his in-laws home, if they are makpid on gebrokts and he is not. ("Gebrokts" refers to a custom of abstaining from matzah or matzah meal that has come into contact with moisture, lest some uncooked portion of it begin to leaven.) Such a shaalah often hides a deeper issue, and a sensitive rav might inquire how is the sholom bayis and do they get along well with the in-laws? Or, a man might ask shaalos pertaining to hilchos tznius and marital relations. Although Shulchan Aruch decribes a strict code of behavior for the bedroom, which can be a source of enhancing sholom bayis and bringing meaning and holiness into a marriage, there are times when adhering to them feeds into a dysfunction. If a couple is having difficulties in the bedroom it is embarrassing, and it is unlikely that such information will be volunteered to the rav. So instead the person asks a shaalah about one minor detail. In our opinion, if a rav takes such a question at face value without inquiring if the couple is having any difficulties with intimacy, he is likely missing a great opportunity to help the couple out. Not only will the answer to the question probably be different and more lenient if all the details are known, but also the rav has an opportunity to give the couple chizuk and possibly refer the couple to someone who can help. Usually difficulties that couples experience when it comes to intimacy are a source of frustration, humiliation and shame. Just being able to talk about it, and to receive gentle encouragement from a father figure such as a rav can go a long way to solving the problems. In addition, there are problems with intimacy that may stem from anxiety about having more children. Therefore, it is so important for a rav to listen very carefully to shaalos that are asked regarding any aspect of married life, so he can truly help the couple find the right balance between their Torah obligations and managing the stresses of life.

Simcha and Chaya Feuerman provide psychotherapy to individuals, couples and families. Their offices are located in Brooklyn and Queens, NY. To contact the Feuermans call 718 793-1376 or email them at [email protected]. Note: Correspondence regarding the articles should be either via email or mailed C/O The Jewish Press.