Gottman's Science Based Tools for Successful Marriage

Everyone has an opinion about what makes a good marriage. However, one researcher took a novel approach to figuring out what really works. Instead of making up ideas and then testing them, John Gottman set out to observe couples and study what communication styles the successful couples had and what defective patterns where present in the unhappy couples. He invited couples to be observed on video tape every weekend for twenty years, and then Gottman and his team analyzed their discussion, fights and make-ups. They looked for common denominators present in the couples who succeeded, and problematic patterns in the couples that ended in divorce. The end result allows us to learn the tricks of the successful relationships without having to go through trial and error.

Gottman learned that even happy couples fight, and some happy couples may even fight a great deal, but there was a key difference in the quality of communication in the functional couples as compared to the dysfunctional couples. Gottman found that when the proportion of positive interaction to negative interaction fell below 5:1, terrible destructive effects would occur which he termed Negative Sentiment Override and the Isolation Cascade. A negative interaction can be big or small such as an insult, a criticism, a frown or name calling. Likewise, a positive interaction can be a smile, pat in the back, compliment or assisting in a chore.

Negative Sentiment Override is a process where neutral or even positive behavior is automatically interpreted (override) as something hurtful or malicious. The following vignette shows how powerful Negative Sentiment Override can be in determining the future happiness of a couple:

Yossi prepared an elaborate anniversary dinner surprise for his wife, Malkie. When she came home, the kids were asleep and the table was set with candles, china and there was mood music playing in the background. However, instead of greeting Yossi with warmth and gratitude she was irritable and withdrawn. Though she sat down to eat with him, within a few minutes she began to complain about something. Yossi accused her of being a nag, and a full blown fight broke out.

How did such a wonderful evening go wrong so fast? Why wasn't Malkie thrilled with the anniversary surprise? And how did Yossi lose his temper so quickly? The answer: Negative Sentiment Override. Over the past few days, Malkie was feeling criticized and ignored by Yossi. When she saw the make-up attempt that Yossi tried to do in the form of the anniversary dinner, she interpreted this positive act in a negative light and assumed Yossi was just trying to manipulate her, duck out of buying her a present, convince her to be intimate, avoid a "true" apology etc. Literally, Malkie's negative sentiments override the positive act and caused her to perceive it as negative. Yossi was in a similar state, and therefore grossly overreacted to Malkie's passing complaint and accused her of being a nag. It is easy to see how this negativity feeds on itself leading the couple to become more and more distant and cold, which Gottman's terms "The Isolation Cascade."

Gottman found that when during the course of a couple's daily life, the proportion of positive interaction to negative interaction fell below 5:1, terrible destructive effects would occur which he termed Negative Sentiment Override and the Isolation Cascade. A negative interaction can be big or small such as an insult, a criticism, a frown or name calling. Likewise, a positive interaction can be a smile, pat in the back, compliment or assisting in a chore. Negative Sentiment Override is a process where neutral or even positive behavior is automatically interpreted (override) as something hurtful or malicious. Over the past few days, Malkie was feeling criticized and ignored by Yossi. When she saw the make-up attempt that Yossi tried to do in the form of the anniversary dinner, she interpreted this positive act in a negative light and assumed Yossi was just trying to manipulate her, duck out of buying her a present, convince her to be intimate, avoid a "true" apology etc. Literally, Malkie's negative sentiments override the positive act and caused her to perceive it as negative. Yossi was in a similar state, and therefore grossly overreacted to Malkie's passing complaint and accused her of being a nag. After that, the rest is history.

How does a couple avoid Negative Sentiment Override?

After Gottman studied couples for 20 years, he noticed four basic maladaptive behaviors that were common in the unhappy couples that ended in divorce: (1) Criticism; (2) Defensiveness (instead of listening to the other person complaint, the spouse would go on the offense and/or justify his behavior); (3) Contempt (a lack of respect and appreciation for the spouse manifested in tone, facial expression, body language and choice of words); and (4) Stonewalling (emotional withdrawal and distancing from the person). When these behaviors are present, they negatively affect the 5:1 ratio, leading to Negative Sentiment Override and overtime to the Distancing and Isolation Cascade.

Therefore the obvious way to avoid Negative Sentiment Override is to be careful to steer clear of those Criticism, Defensive, Contempt and Stonewalling and to look for every opportunity, big or small, to inject a positive interaction to restore the ratio to a healthy proportion.

Gottman's research showed that it did not make a difference if a couple fought a lot or a little. What counted was that the ratio of positive interactions was at least 5 times that of the negative. Gottman uses the term "Emotional Bank Account" to describe the way in which the good feelings are stored up and act as a buffer against occasional hurtful experiences. But if there are too many negative interactions, a couple will go bankrupt and spiral downward via the Distancing and Isolation Cascade.

The Torah has many directives that also seem to inoculate and prevent couples from falling into Negative Sentiment Override and the Distancing and Isolation Cascade. First, the Torah instructs us that we are forbidden to refuse to be kind to another person solely on the basis of the way we had been treated prior. This is the halachic definition of revenge (nekama). That means, even if your spouse was mean or withholding toward you, you are forbidden to do the same (nekama) tit for tat, or even hold the resentment in your heart (netira, see Vayikra 19:18, Rashi). Secondly, the Torah instructs us to judge people positively (see Vayikra 19:15, Rashi), which can allow a person to consciously and mindfully counteract Negative Sentiment Override by trying to see the experience in a positive light. In addition, when we are hurt by another person's behavior, we are not allowed to let our resentment simmer or pull away. Rather, the Torah commands us to tell the person about the problem and ask why he did it (see Rambam, Mishne Torah Deos ch. 6.) By doing so, the Torah steers us out of the Distancing and Isolation Cascade.

Simcha and Chaya Feuerman provide psychotherapy to individuals, couples and families. Their offices are located in Brooklyn and Queens, NY. To contact the Feuermans call 718 793-1376 or email them at [email protected]. Note: Correspondence regarding the articles should be either via email or mailed C/O The Jewish Press.