How did we communicate before there was texting? Much of the communication between individuals was conducted over the phone, but there were still remnants of the antiquated form known as “face to face.” Of course, the telephone and face to face communication are limited to small numbers of people you could address at one time. Before texting, how did we convey our messages to larger groups of people?
Bumper stickers! And you thought limited numbers of words was a new idea? How concise, how economical, was that medium of erudite thought, the bumper sticker. We expressed our opinions, preferences, our very deepest allegiances via the back of our cars, right up there next to the exhaust. I don’t remember very many of them, but there were two messages that stick to my mind. Perhaps the most egregious was the one that proclaimed: Insanity is Inherited; You Get It from Your Kids.
The most felicitous, and the only one ever to adorn my car, said “Have You Hugged Your Kids Today?”
That slogan, more a suggestion than a question, gently reminded parents that warm physical contact with children is a powerful form of communication. A picture may be worth a thousand words but the value of a hug is beyond measure. A hug can convey affection, compassion, concern, and love, and leave a child feeling like the most important person in your world. As a means of conveying affection, compassion, concern, and love, a text is beneath measure. Texts convey data. The data may be information or a request or a complaint but it cannot create or build connection on an emotional level. Although I remember the mom who tried.
Me: I understand that you have been upset with your daughter quite a bit, lately. You’ve told her that you’re annoyed with her, that she is stubborn and disrespectful and that you don’t like the way she’s acting. Before this most recent situation, how often did you tell her that you love her? Perhaps on her way out the door to school in the morning? Maybe when you kiss her goodnight?
Mom: Rabbi Ackerman, my daughter is 16 years old, bli ayin harah. Don’t you think she’s a bit old for a goodnight kiss? I rarely say anything to her before she leaves for school because I’m busy dressing the little ones. And I’m not, and never was, in the habit of saying “I love you” to my kids. They know that I love them.
Me: I see. So when you asked me how you could get along better with your daughter, what sort of things were you imagining you could say or do?
Mom: I wasn’t imagining anything. I have no idea. That’s why I asked you!
The exclamation point was clear in her voice. It was not going to help either of us for her to be exasperated with me, so I decided to be more prescriptive than I like to be.
Me: I would like you to tell your daughter that you love her. I think that would be a good place to start to heal your relationship with her. What do you think about that?
Mom: I suppose it might help. Don’t get me wrong. Even now when I’m very annoyed with her, I do love her. It’s just hard for me to say it to her, but okay, I’ll try.
The next week, mom told me what had happened.
Mom: I had a very busy week, but I remembered that I had agreed to tell my daughter that I love her so I texted, “I love you” to her. She didn’t even respond! I don’t think your idea was so good after all.
When I recovered from my disbelief, I made it clear to this mom that I had never suggested that she text her daughter that she loves her. Then our work really began, and we spent a lot of time figuring out what was so hard for her about standing face to face with her daughter and telling her that she loves her. It turned out that mom could not make eye contact with any of her children, or her husband, or her parents, and say “I love you.” Even texting it had actually been hard for her.
More to the point of this article, this mom really believed that texting is a viable alternative to face to face communication, even when the message is so intimate.
If, as Marshal McCluhan posited, “the medium is the message,” there is no way that a deeply personal message can be conveyed via the impersonal medium of texting. If someone is physically distant, the telephone can be an acceptable and fairly effective way of expressing deeply felt feelings, wants, and thoughts. The human voice alone can convey nuance and emotion in the absence of facial expression and body language. But even the most evocative emoticons cannot turn a text into an intimate message.
Eye contact is the medium of intimacy. In Shema, we acknowledge that when the heart desires something, it tells the eyes what to seek. When the heart wishes to express itself in love, joy, sadness, or fear, it enlists the eyes as its most effective messenger.
Instead of asking this mom how often she said “I love you” to her daughter, I could have asked her, “how often do you make eye contact with your daughter.” I suspect I would have gotten the same answer, never.
Texting doesn’t make intimacy unnecessary. It just makes it unavailable.
Al t’hi bircas hedyot kalla b’ainecha (Megilah 15a). Don’t let your bracha be superficial; use your eyes.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 35 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.