Parenting With Rabbi Ackerman

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

I can't understand how my husband is able to sleep. It's nearly 1 o'clock in the morning. I told Esther to be home by 11:45. I know when I press the redial and call her cell phone again, that it's going to go straight into voicemail. But I can't stop myself, I keep hoping, praying that she'll answer the phone. I don't know what hurts more, that Esther defies me or that my husband doesn't care.

How can he give up on his oldest child, how can he just write her off? Why doesn't he realize how scared I am, why doesn't he try to help me, reassure me, at least lie awake here with me. My husband is right next to me and I've never felt so alone.

Esther is not alone. She picked up Sarah and Miriam and drove them to Rachel's house just like she told her mother she was planning to do. They spent over an hour cooking up healthy snacks, and have been noshing and talking ever since. Esther found herself in the company of good friends, and lost track of time. Before she left home, her mother had asked her to make sure that her cell phone was on, and Esther had complied. But neither Esther nor her mother realized that there was no signal in the basement family room where she and her friends were ensconced. And there was no clock.

Esther told me she was going to pick up two other girls and drive over to Rachel's. Maybe I should call Rachel's house and ask her parents if Esther is there. But I might wake them up; but maybe they're up anyway and then I'll know that Esther is okay. I wish I knew what to do. Should I wake up my husband and ask him what to do? I don't know how he'll react. Maybe Esther will come home soon and I won't have to wake him up.

Esther walked in the door 10 minutes later. The following "conversation" ensued:

How can you be so irresponsible? I specifically asked you to make sure that your cell phone was on so that if you missed your curfew again I would be able to reach you. Why can't you comply with a simple request?

Why are you always accusing me of things I didn't do? What other curfew did I ever miss? And my cell phone is on and it's been on since I left here so you could have reached me anytime you wanted to instead of waiting to yell at me when I got home to ruin what had been a really nice evening.

You've missed curfew before, and if your cell phone was on all this time why didn't you answer it when I called you?

When did I miss curfew before?

I don't remember right now. You just don't seem to care about what I tell you.

Why should I care when you just criticize me for things I didn't even do.

Maybe if you'd ever do what I want you to do I wouldn't have any reason to criticize you. Good night.

I really feel bad for both of them. Neither of them means to be malicious, yet they both managed to hurt each other pretty badly. How did this happen to them and what could they do differently next time? The problem lies in the conversation they almost had. It was almost a conversation but not quite. It will be a conversation when each of them shares more complete information, and they actually listen to each other. Rather than describe what Esther and her mother could do differently, let's listen in on Esther's friend Miriam's conversation with her mother that same night.

Miriam, boruch Hashem you're home. I was really worried about you. I had asked you to be home by 11:45 and it's after 1. I tried to call you on your cell phone, and it went right into voicemail, the way it does when the cell phone is shut off. Miriam, I had asked you to make sure your cell phone was on before you left tonight. What happened?

I'm really sorry mom. We were cooking and eating and talking and we totally lost track of time. And I'll bet what happened with the cell phone is the same problem I had when I went to the chasunah in that downstairs simcha hall, and it had no service, so I had to go upstairs to call you when I needed a ride home. I feel terrible that you were so concerned about me. Next time I'm going to make sure I am wearing my watch. Could you please remind me?

There's an expression that explains why these two conversations flowed so differently. Dvarim h'yotzim min halev nichnasim el halev, the message you send from your heart, enters the heart of your listener. Esther's mother sent a message of anger and resentment, and Esther responded with resentment and defense. Miriam's mother expressed her hurt and her concern, and Miriam responded with concern and contrition. Miriam asked her mother to help her, to stay close. Esther's mother curtly said good night, and returned to her room, alone.

Neither Esther's mother nor Miriam's experienced nachas that night. Esther's mother despairs of ever seeing nachas from her child, and Esther is disheartened. Miriam's mother helped Miriam plan to move towards bringing nachas next time. She and Miriam went to bed separately, with hearts joined by hope.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LHMC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.

He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.

Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.