Most of the time, when you say the word “why” you put someone on the defensive.

There is one good time to use the word why. It’s when you ask yourself, “why not?”

Unfortunately, many parents tend to ask themselves the opposite question: “why should I?” Their default response to most of their children’s requests is twofold.  First they ask themselves “why should I” and then they tell their child “no.”

There is a fairly obvious problem and a more subtle one with having “no” as your default answer to your child’s requests.

The obvious problem is that there often was no reason to say no and your child knows that. What happens then?  Does she whine, nudge, perseverate, throw a tantrum, or employ some other strategy long enough that you cannot listen to it anymore and you eventually say “yes?”  Why don’t you just make it clear to begin with?  Tell her, “the answer is no, I will not accede to your request until you have whined or thrown a tantrum for a sufficient length of time and then you can have what you would like.” That’s what you taught her by what you did; you might as well say it explicitly.

The more subtle problem with having “no” as your default answer is that it creates an adversarial relationship when you could be cultivating a cooperative one. The way you would express this is not to say “yes” carte blanche; rather you would say “I’m concerned that if I say ‘yes’ here’s what might happen” and then express your concern.  In this manner, you are respecting your child’s desire and inviting your child to respect your concerns as well.  This is cooperation.

But doesn’t my child have to learn to accept “no” for an answer? Haven’t you talked about the importance of helping children learn to cope with frustration and disappointment because they are not going to always get what they want?

Yes, it is very important for you as a parent to help your child learn how to tolerate the pain of frustration, disappointment, and rejection, to accept “no” for an answer sometimes.  However you need not create those situations for him unnecessarily. There will be plenty of opportunities for you to say no to him even when you are hoping to cooperate. And you can be pretty sure that he will hear no from peers, teachers, and siblings often enough even if you learn to say yes more readily.

As I write this, suggesting to you that you move from the default no and work on getting to yes, I am reminded of an article I read recently.  Here are some excerpts:

One of the all-time bestselling books on negotiation is Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and William Ury.  Millions of people have purchased and read this masterpiece for its tremendous insights and academic perspective on deal-making. Unfortunately, there’s one major problem with this classic title: It didn’t work.

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While collaboration is something we all say we desire, we end up in combative negotiations time and time again. Our winning philosophy comes at the expense of the other person. This is exactly the opposite of the mutual-gain approach that Getting to Yes preaches.

Clearly, there has been a breakdown. Why is it that everyone has read and endorsed this bestselling business book as one of the greatest negotiation texts ever written, yet so few actually follow it?

One of our biggest problems is a lack of trust in other people. For 20 years, Professor Karen Walch at the Thunderbird School of Global Management has conducted an ongoing negotiation study among her global students, asking them to answer questions regarding how cooperative and trusting they are personally, and how they feel about their counterparts.

“What we’ve generally found so far is that 40% of people tend to believe that they are cooperative and trusting,” says Professor Walch.  â€œYet, when asked about their counterpart, people tend to believe that the other party is just looking to win. It’s this type of mentality that causes negotiators to take a defensive strategy, which often leaves a lot of value left on the table.”

When you add this all together, we now have negotiations founded upon low trust, irrationality, and displeasure. In order to make our negotiations more successful, we need to change our mentality. The key is not only for you to act with openness, honesty, and collaboration, but to motivate and educate others on this approach too. I’ve found that simply discussing the need for “the spirit of cooperation” is a game changing way to open a negotiation and set the tone for profitable deal-making.

In fact, in my research at MarketWatch Centre for Negotiation, we’ve found that negotiators can claim up to 42% more value in a deal by abandoning zero-sum games and creating a relationship based on trust and collaboration.

While having a solid grounding in negotiation techniques is important, the aspect that makes all the difference is your mindset.  Keld Jensen, Author of SMARTnership – The Third Road

When your mindset is that one of you will win and one of you will lose, the so-called “zero sum game,” both you and your child are strongly invested in winning and avoiding losing.  You become adversaries.  Repeatedly entering into adversarial situations with your child creates mistrust and dislike.  In contrast, a mindset of win-win leads to a spirit of cooperation, trust, and respect.

Rav Nisan Alpert, Z”L, explains it this way:

Here is the difference between the midah of rachamim and the midah of din. With midas harachamim, when you hear a voice of supplication, before you know the details of the request, whether you are able to fulfill the request or whether this person is worthy of your assistance; as soon as you hear the sound of the voice, before you discerned the words, you’ve already decided to assist and accept the request of the person who is turning to you and you’ve chosen to help him. Then you listen to his words in order to learn in what way to best assist him.

When midas hadin is ruling, your conduct is completely different.  The voice of supplication when not yet discerned is not fully accepted.  First you listen to the details of his request and then you weigh it on the scales of justice and wisdom to determine whether he is worthy of your help and to what degree. Limudei Nisan, Devorim 1:45

Think about what Rav Alpert wrote.  He described an immediate, categorical “yes” as the response from someone who is responding from a mindset of rachamim, and a willingness to seek some degree of yes when coming from a mindset of din.  The default “no” is not a Torah position.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women.  He can be reached in at 718-344-6575.