Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

It's Chankuka. An awkward time, perhaps, to learn something from the Greek language. But it will help you understand my thoughts on a point made by a young woman from our community. Why I disagree with her. And why what she wrote is so important.

Have you ever walked down the street and seen a teenage boy or girl from a family that you may know dressed in an inappropriate manner? Perhaps acting in a non-frum way? Have you talked about a friend's child that went "off'?

Have you any clue to their painful stories? Have you any notion of their inner struggles? Have you any inkling of how they ended up here?

How?! In my limited ability I will try to explain.

I walk into my school office and the principal is red with fury yelling at the cringing secretary and then walks into our class giving us mussar about anger, consideration of others' feelings, etc.?? Hypocrisy is one of the biggest turn-offs for our generation, and I believe that we are the experts in spotting hypocrisy from a mile away.

I agree that what she saw in the school office is in stark contrast with what she heard the principal lecturing to her class, and it would be both incongruent and disillusioning. But it's not hypocrisy.

According the American Heritage Dictionary, hypocrisy is defined as:

a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.

The etymology is from the Greek hypokrisis - "the act of playing a part on the stage."

I am pretty sure that the principal's inconsistent behavior was not an example of hypocrisy. I think teens sometimes assume that when adults don't live up to their own proclaimed values they're being hypocritical. They then proceed to dismiss this "hypocritical" adult as unworthy of their respect and irrelevant as a figure of authority and guidance. You've probably heard a teenager say something like, "why should I listen to him; he's a phony."

There are two responses to that comment that can be helpful for you as a parent. Both of them, as usual with me, are actually questions, not answers.

Helpful question number 1 is:

"What do you imagine will happen when you don't listen to him? How do you think that might play out?" It may be true that this adult is a phony. Nonetheless, he might have some authority over your teenager, some power over him that could affect your child's life in the short term or maybe for the rest of his life. One of the most important roles you have as the parent of a teen is to talk with him about anticipating outcomes before making choices.

Helpful question number 2 is:

"What makes you think he's a phony?"

Because I saw him in the school office yelling at his cringing secretary, and an hour later he walked into our class and give us mussar about anger, consideration of others' feelings, etc. What a hypocrite, a phony.

I guess you know what that's like, to be hypocritical.

What? What do you mean, mom?

Rivky, don't you remember? Just this morning, you yelled at Avi when he spilled his chocolate milk and it got on your sleeve. You called him a "careless brat."

But I just pressed that blouse after it came out of the laundry, and I was looking forward to wearing it with this sweater. Now I have to wash it again, wait for it to hang dry, and press it all over again. And I had to change into something else before I could leave for school, and I was already running late. He's so annoying!

Wait a second Rivky, I misunderstood you. I thought you agreed with the principal's mussar about being considerate of other people's feelings, and that's why you were upset with him for yelling at his secretary. Now I realize that it was the other way around. You agreed with his being inconsiderate of someone who had upset him, and think it's phony to talk about being considerate of others.

No, I never thought that, mom. I do think it's important to be considerate of people's feelings.

Okay, Rivky, so if that's what you think, then you revealed that you're a hypocrite and a phony this morning when you yelled at your brother. Or am I missing something here?

No, mom, I didn't mean to be inconsiderate of Avi's feelings. I was just really upset with him right then. I wish I hadn't said that to him. I try to be considerate of him because I think that's the right thing to do, but sometimes I just slip, and then I'm embarrassed to admit it and apologize to him. Does that really make me a hypocrite?

No, but if you keep doing it may mean that you're hypo-critical of yourself.

What does that mean, mom?

It's means you're not taking a careful look at how to live up to your own values more often. And, to think about what might be happening when someone else doesn't always live up to his values. I don't think you're being hypocritical when you don't meet your own standards every time. I don't your principal is, either.

That's really a good lesson for me. To demand more of myself and be a little less demanding of others. Thank you for helping me, mom.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Men's and women's groups now available. Call for details.