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Donât say thank you unless you mean it.
Thatâs what I wish you would teach your children, and model for them, yourself. It shouldnât take very long to teach them that. Thatâs good, because it will free you up to teach them two other things that will probably take quite a while: what to be thankful for and how to express thanks.
How are you supposed to know what to be thankful for? When is something just a given and itâs okay to take it for granted? For example: when youâve paid for something or in some way earned it, is it necessary or appropriate to say thank you when you receive it?
If the guidelines you apply for yourself in these situations are different from the ones you expect from your children how does your child know when those differences apply and when she should be just like you?
Yentl, Maish, and their children were all standing at the snack stand in the Botanic Gardens. Maish took the bottles of water from the man at the cart, silently handed him a 20, silently took his change, and as he gave each child their water, he said, âwhat do you sayâ before releasing the container into the childâs hand.
I am always careful, when I speak at a catered dinner, to include the catering hall staff in my acknowledgments. Iâve gotten all kinds of comments, questions, and occasional disagreements when I give a presentation but I was rather surprised when the only thing a particular person said to me was, âWhy did you say thank you to the waiters and staff? Theyâre being paid to do what theyâre doing; thatâs enough.â
It required the wisdom and neâvuah of the Anshe Kânesses haGâdolah to determine how much was âenoughâ praise and hakoras hatov, so I prefer to err on the side of caution, to risk exceeding rather than falling short on expressions of appreciation. Look for things you could take for granted and express thanks instead.
How do you express appreciation? Preferably with two components: say who did something worthy of thanks and say what they did. Be thankful for what someone did, not for what got done.
Rather than saying: This is really nice.
Say instead: You did this really nicely.
Sometimes, you may have the opportunity to thank someone for something they donât even know they did.
Is there any reason to say thank you to someone who pushed in his chair when he was leaving minyan and you were able to get to your place more easily, when you know you he hadnât seen you coming? No. And is there any reason not to? Is there any reason not to say thank you for the courtesy he was extending to everyone and it happened to affect you first?
There is another way that you can thank someone for something they donât know about. This time, though, it is a matter of quantity. You can say thank you to someone when they know that there is something to be thankful for but donât realize how much you appreciate what theyâve done. Take the time to express the dimension of your appreciation and spell it out in detail.
The parents of an elementary school Rebbe took the time, at the end of a school year, to express their thanks beautifully. Here are their words:
Dear Rabbi ___,
We just want to express our appreciation for everything that you've done for our child, day in and day out, all year.
This past year has been a wonderful experience for our child. As you know, he felt comfortable with you from the beginning; he came home early in the year saying, "You know what I like about Rebbe? He really listens to the children." That set the tone for our child; he likes to be heard! You set clear expectations for the class, you told the boys exactly what they were supposed to do, and you held them accountable. And then... you taught! The consistent structure and organization of your classroom, along with the sense that you were really listening to him, allowed our child to thrive this year, and we are grateful.
Our child is enthusiastic and excited about learning; it is wonderful to see him so motivated to learn Torah. He quotes you during vacations: âa vacation is a time when you can learn whatever you want," and he is interested in everything. He is learning Mìshnayos at home, but is asking to learn Navi over the summer, as well as Parshas Hashavua inside, and he is very much looking forward to beginning Gemara next year. We are thankful that our child is so motivated at this age, when many boys find Limudei Kodesh challenging and no longer engaging, and we appreciate your role in keeping him excited.
Thank you for a wonderful year. With your sense of humor and stories, your rigorous academic expectations and beautiful middos, you have taught our child a tremendous amount. You guided and corrected him without making him feel bad about himself; as a result, he was able to learn from his mistakes and move on. Our child has learned concepts and content, vocabulary and skills, but he has also learned to be more patient, to think things through, to slow down and to organize his thoughts. The process is not over yet, and he has more to learn, but he is moving on to the next grade, and he is well prepared!
Thank you for everything.
Have a wonderful, relaxing summer!
These parents pay tuition. But they donât see their childâs rebbe as being paid to do what heâs doing so thatâs enough. They took the time to notice, appreciate, and warmly express their thanks. What more can we say to them than, thank you.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.