Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

I recently had the honor of chairing a session about parenting at the Agudah Convention.   One of the points that was made is the importance of dovening for the well-being of our children. 

How important?  According to Rav Shlomo Wolbe, z’tl, “Dovening for our children is so important that it is possible that tefillah is the most important aspect of chinuch.“  (Rigshei Lev, Rav Menachem Nissel, p. 214)

The Mishna Berurah (Siman 47, sif katan 10) identifies three places in shacharis where parents should have intense kavanah that their children should be Torah scholars and tzaddikim and have exemplary middos:

a)   In Birkos HaTorah when saying the words “V’niheyeh anachnu v’tze’etza’einu…  - May we and our offspring…”

b)   In Ahavah Rabbah.

c)   In Uva L’Tzion when saying the words “Lema’an lo niga larik v’lo neled labehalah – So that we do not struggle [in raising children] in vain nor produce for futility.”   (ibid. p. 212)

What’s missing here?   There’s no mention of the Shemonah Esrai.   We express 13 different requests, and never ask for help in raising our children.  Why not?

Truthfully, I didn’t think of that question on my own.  It was asked by the Belzer Rav zt’l.  His answer is recorded in footnote number 3 at the bottom of page 212 in Rav Nissel’s book Rigshei Lev.

He explains that Chazal included the parents’ tefilah for their children in the Modim prayer.

 â€œThe expression of the tefilah [in many siddurim] is:

magen yishainu atah hu l’dor va’dor, nodeh l’cha un’sapair t’hilasecha.

But you should be careful to place the comma before the words l’dor va’dor as follows:

          magen yishainu atah hu, l’dor va’dor nodeh l’cha un’sapair t’hilasecha

This is the tefilah that we have children and children’s children who thank Hashem and tell Hashem’s praise.”

I have not conducted an exhaustive search of contemporary siddurim, but I can tell you that the Siddur Vilna does have the syntax that the Belzer Rav recommends.  Interestingly, so does a not-so-contemporary Siddur: the Shiloh Siddur is punctuated that way in the weekday shacharis (page 73 of the 1932 Nusach Ashkenaz 4^th edition).

Those are some suggestions that may enhance how we doven for our children.   How do we enhance our children’s dovening?

Here are excerpts from an article I wrote a year ago that addressed that.

Please write down 13 things that you think we ask for from Hashem when we doven.

The first time I gave that assignment was in 1974.  The 12 year olds in my class impressed me with some very thoughtful and compassionate requests.  We then opened our siddurim, and I showed them the 13 requests we make in the weekday Shemonah Esrai.  We spent a lot of time analyzing their lists and discovering that they had intuited much of what the anshei kneses ha’gedaloh had put into words for us.  What a wonderful success for those children!  They were able to see how closely their wishes and hopes aligned with those of some of the wisest sages of all time.  Now it wasn’t hard for them to express their own thoughts through the words of the prayers, and dovening was a pleasant part of their day.

Another time I gave that assignment was in the mid-1980s.  My class comprised a group of women, members of my shul.  They too suggested poignant and heartfelt concerns to express to Hashem.  When they opened their siddurim they discovered how closely their concerns matched those of the Men of the Great Assembly who composed that prayer so many years ago.

Both times, I continued the discussion by asking them which of the 13 requests in the Shemonah Esrai they had not included in their list.  That resulted in some very interesting conversations about how to make a request you hadn’t thought of, relevant to you.  Most of the time, we were able to figure out some way that every request could be relevant to each of us.  When the answer was, “it’s not relevant to me,” the next question I asked was, “why do you imagine all of these requests are in the plural rather than the singular form?”  I was not surprised at how quickly the women in my class realized that in addition to the deeply personal concerns we express in our dovening, we also pray for the well-being of others.  I must admit that I was surprised, and very impressed, by how quickly the children in my class grasped this idea and embraced it.  Those 12 year olds began to think of friends, family members, and people whom they didn’t personally know, for whom they could pray with various of the paragraphs of the Shemonah Esrai. 

A child asked me:

What if I can’t think of anybody who needs what a certain paragraph is asking for? Could I just ask Hashem to take my tefilah and use it to help somebody that Hashem knows about?

Children are often sensitive, compassionate, and generous when given the opportunity. 

As adults, we have opportunities to express our sensitivity, compassion, and generosity by giving of our time to those closest to us, our children.

The Malbim (on Psalm 90:17) wrote that we can be a source of pleasure to Hashem.  I think our prayers, especially when we say them carefully and thoughtfully, are a source of nachas to Hashem.

Sometimes it’s hard to give Hashem nachas.  Think about that the next time it seems hard for your child to give nachas to you.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.