Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
One of the most stressful times of the day in many households is bedtime. You, the parent, have been trying to accomplish various things you would like for yourself while at the same time responding to the demands of many other people all day long. Or maybe you have spent the entire day just responding to the demands of others. You've been responding to bosses, coworkers, children, and spouses; trying to deal with bills and solicitors; and in the rare spare moment, wondering why we can't use the voting machines that we've been using all along?
At last, it's their bedtime and you're looking forward to some quiet time with your wife. All that stands between you and some relaxed quality time with her is your children. So you announce in a calm yet loud enough voice to be heard by all of your children wherever in your home they may be:
Children, each of you knows your bedtime. Please be in bed on time and have a good night's sleep. Good night everybody.
Or, you sit down with each child, you make eye contact, and you gently say,
It's time for bed now. Good night, sweetheart.
Apparently, neither of these two approaches gets the desired results as often and as promptly as you wish they would. Your children do not always proceed directly to their beds. What gives me that impression? I infer it from the fact that every time I give the presentation "dreading bedtime, and how to make it better" I get a very good turnout.
Here, paraphrased, are some excerpts from an e-mail exchange with someone who heard the presentation recently.
Parent who heard the presentation (his initials are NC):
You said that parents should spell out the expectations step by step rather than just saying, "make sure you're ready for bed by eight o'clock." Otherwise, your child may say he's ready for bed but he hasn't brushed his teeth, or he hasn't put away his schoolbooks, so he thinks he's ready for bed and you don't think so. Should the explicit expectations include, after the other expectations are met, telling the child to go to bed?
Rabbi YS Ackerman (YSA):
Yes, the expectations can include getting into bed. AND I want the parent, after each expectation is met, to acknowledge the child's success.
NC: Can you give me an estimate of the average age when a child is old enough to just say "get ready for bed."
YSA: No, I don't know of any average. I would suggest that you try saying that to each of your children and if it helps them succeed at being in bed on time that's fine. If it doesn't, we go back to helping them one step at a time.
NC: After I've gone over these step by step expectations with my child do I then say "get ready for bed" and then do nothing else, don't check on him again?
YSA:
You can check on the child, and if the child isn't in bed at the expected time,
ask the child what would help.
NC: The "age" or time that a parent might not have to specify expectations to go to bed are brought about which reason? 1) Because they are too old to tell them to go to bed. 2) Because they have reached the age when they will probably know on their own how to go to bed. 3) Some other reason.
YSA: Let's address each of the possibilities you suggested.
1. Because they are too old to tell them to go to bed.
There are physicians who tell their patients that they would feel better if they got more sleep. There are husbands who tell that to their wives, and wives who tell it to their husbands. We don't outgrow the need for guidance from other people in our lives. (As implied by the concept Ezer k'negdo)
2. Because they probably know on their own
I don't like to make assumptions. If a child (or adult) is succeeding on her own, you see that they don't need your help. If she's not, I would wonder if she wants to succeed. If she would rather get to bed at a time that you consider too late for her to be well rested the next day, but she doesn't mind being tired all day long, you're probably not going to convince her to go to bed any earlier. If she does want to get to bed earlier and can't seem to do it, I'd rather that you ask her "How can I help you?" instead of handing her a solution.
3. Some other reason
I'm usually more interested in outcomes than in "reasons." The only reason I know of is that the child is succeeding even though you're not specifying the expectation, in which case, be sure to celebrate your child's success!
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Men's and women's groups now available. Call for details.