What‘s the difference between a judge and a leader? What are the qualifying criteria for judges and for leaders? Which role is more appropriate for you as a parent to play in the life of your child, the role of judge or the role of leader? What does any of this have to do with an article about empathy?

Let’s answer the questions in the order in which we asked them:

What‘s the difference between a judge and a leader?

A judge is someone who examines what has happened in the past and decides what restitution or retribution is appropriate. His success depends on his knowledge of the law and his understanding of the situation in which the law is to be applied.

A leader is someone who helps people reach their goals, as individuals and as members of a group. His orientation is the present with an eye towards the future.

What are the qualifying criteria for judges and for leaders?

The Torah gives us specific criteria for judges. When Yisro advised Moshe Rabbeinu to appoint judges over the Jewish people, he said to look for anshei hayil - men of valor, yir'ei Elokim – G-d-fearers, anshei emes - men of truth, v'sonei betza - haters of ill-gotten gain.

When it came time to appoint a new leader over the Jewish people, Moshe turned to Hashem and asked for a leader who met only one criterion. Moshe said, “Let the Omnipotent G-d of all living souls appoint a man over the community.” (Bamidbar 27:16)   Hashem concurred. “Take Yehoshua ben Nun, a man of spirit, and lay your hands on him.” (Bamidbar 27:18)

Rashi explains why, in the context of appointing a new leader, Moshe referred to Hashem as “G‑d of all living souls.”

Master of the universe, You understand the unique nature of each person. Appoint for them a leader who can bear to work with each one according to his way.

Hashem responded by referring to Yehoshua as “a man of spirit,” appointing him as the successor to Moshe, in accordance with the leadership criterion that Moshe expressed. Rashi explains: “A man of spirit: as you [Moshe] requested. That he is able to work with each person according to his way.”

The criteria for judges show us that their role is to determine the truth of what has happened and how to respond to it in a just manner, no matter who was involved in the event. The single criterion for a leader alludes to a very different role. His role is to discern the unique potential and challenge for each person in the events towards which he is leading them, and for which he is preparing them. The judge looks at an event and determines the ramifications of what each person did. The leader looks at each person and helps him accomplish what he’s capable of doing. The judge determines what was. The leader envisions what can be. The Torah teaches us that leadership is not about understanding situations; it’s about understanding each person, not only for what they can do, but for who they are.

Which role is more appropriate for you as a parent to play in the life of your child? The Malbim, on our discussion of the appointment of Yehoshua, writes:

Each person has qualities, strengths, and cravings unique to himself, and a unique personality according to his temperament and makeup. For this reason, it is necessary for a leader to know how to guide the spirit of each individual, they being different in nature and quality from one another. This is what is written, “He has in His hands the soul of every living thing and the spirit of the flesh of every man.” (Iyov 12:10) For every living thing has a soul of life, but man has a spirit of wisdom. This spirit is combined with his flesh and influenced by his earthly nature. Moshe sought a leader who would not only be concerned with guiding their bodies. He requested a leader who could guide their spirits.

I believe that parents need to know more than just what their children have done and how to judge it. I believe parenting is about learning who your child is and helping him or her to become who they are capable of being. Leading your child to success more often than you judge and correct her failures, can only be achieved when you know who your child is and not just what she has done. That takes empathy. You can learn it.

Here’s how a recent article described an organization called Roots of Empathy:

Roots teaches empathy to students from kindergarten to seventh grade. They arrange monthly class visits by a mother and her baby (who must be between two and four months old at the beginning of the school year). During the baby visits, the students sit around the baby and mother (sometimes it’s a father) and they try to understand the baby’s feelings.

The baby actually changes the children’s behavior. Tough kids smile, disruptive kids focus, shy kids open up. In a seventh grade class, 12-year-olds unabashedly sang nursery rhymes.

The students do a lot of “perspective taking.” When the baby is too small to raise its own head, for example, the instructor asks the children to lay their heads on the blanket and look around from there. Perspective taking is the cognitive dimension of empathy – and like any skill it takes practice to master. Children discover that everyone comes into the world with a different temperament, including themselves and their classmates. They see how hard it can be to be a parent, which helps them empathize with their own mothers and fathers.

Last week, I listed some of the things that can make it hard for you to empathize with your child. I ended last week’s article by saying that we’d address those things in this week’s article. But we didn’t get to them. I’m going to try to imagine what it’s like for you to have to wait another week because I told you I would address something this week but I didn’t. You can try to imagine what it’s like for me to be unable to figure out how much I’m going to be able to cover in an article, and having to excuse myself for not getting it right. Good opportunities for empathy!

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men’s and women’s parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.