I taught Ariella how to empathize with her two year old son. She said she would try to imagine how much a couple of minutes of play means to him, and weigh it against how important it was to her to bring him somewhere right away, depriving him of those minutes of play. It was really thoughtful of Ariella to let me know what happened.

I have to tell you that since I began waiting for the extra five minutes or telling him he could go on the slide one or two times, it's worked so well. In fact that other Shabbos, I was walking to shul and he wanted to go into someone else's yard where they allow him to play. I said nothing this time. He went in and then said, “wanna go to shul,” and started walking, it was amazing what it can change!! Thank you so much.

What caused this amazing change for this mom? Empathy.

According to social scientists, fostering empathy – the ability to identify with another person’s feelings –is crucial to good parenting.

James T Hardee, MD, in the Fall 2003 issue of the Permanente Journal, described empathy as “a balanced curiosity leading to a deeper understanding of another human being; stated another way, empathy is the capacity to understand another person's experience from within that person's frame of reference. “ When you experience empathy towards your child, you become calmer, more patient, and better able to help your child. Rather than reacting out of your frustration and impatience, you can respond in a caring manner to what is difficult for your child.

I’m sure that you are a responsive, caring parent, yet I’m pretty sure that you don’t always express and act upon empathy toward your child. What gets in your way? Here, paraphrased, are some answers to that question:

I don’t have enough time to give empathy.

It is not relevant; I'm too busy focusing on the problem.

Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me.

I don't want to open that Pandora's Box.

I haven't had enough training in empathetic communication.

I'm concerned that if I use up all my empathy on one child I won't have anything left for the rest of my family.

I think some of those answers are very good and some may be hard to address. And I think that each of those concerns is worth addressing because empathy is a crucial skill to master and teach. Let’s address them one by one.

I don’t have enough time to give empathy. Never? Often, you’re in the middle of doing something, or a lot of things, and can’t sit down with a child to empathize with her. There may be other children vying for your attention at the same time you wish you could sit down with this child. Right now, you really can’t. There are two things I would like you to do. One, is to make eye contact with her and say, “I’d like to sit down and talk with you for a while but I can’t right now.” The second is to figure out when you can and make sure you do. This can be daunting if you’re trying to imagine when you could possibly spend an hour sitting with her. I want to assure you that giving her five minutes during which she gets to talk about some of the things she wants to tell you is far more valuable than hoping for an hour with you that never happens.

It is not relevant; I'm too busy focusing on the problem. Upon whose problem are you focusing? If your entire focus is on the problem you’re having with your child’s behavior, you will not express empathy to him because you’re too busy empathizing with yourself. This tends to happen when you see your child’s failed behavior as an act of disrespect towards you and feel frustrated, resentful, and angry over it. I truly believe that most children do not spend the day trying to figure out how to make their parents miserable. If that is your impression, you certainly deserve some empathy and I would urge you to speak to your spouse or someone else you trust to help you.  Once you’re able to see the problem as belonging to your child rather than you, you will be able to help him with empathy towards him.

Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me. Remember the definition I gave you a couple of weeks ago? Empathy is engaged detachment. You "borrow" another's feelings to observe, feel, and understand them--but not to take them onto yourself. If giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for you, it may because you are vicariously experiencing the emotions your child is describing to you, and not detaching successfully.   Vicarious trauma is a well-documented phenomenon, it is very painful, and it can be addressed.   Actually, it must be addressed. There is a term for what happens to people who do not seek healing from vicarious trauma. That term is “burnout.” When a clinician suffers burnout, they sometimes leave the field because it has become too painful to try to help someone who is hurting. When a parent burns out, they can’t leave the field. They just become unable to listen to their child’s pain. They start saying things like, “there’s no reason to be sad,” or, “don’t be such a baby,” or, “there’s nothing to be afraid of.” These parents usually don’t have to say these things for very long because their children stop telling them what they’re thinking and feeling. At which point these parents still haven’t left the field, but they’re out of the game. These are the parents with whom I empathize when they come to me and say, “Why won’t my child talk to me?” I model and teach them empathy, so they can express empathy as a medium for re-building their relationship with their child.

Empathy toward your child is so valuable. What gets in your way? We’ll look at the rest of the answers, G-d willing, next week.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men’s and women’s parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.