Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I appreciate the nachas that I get from parents like Ayala, and enjoy hearing about the nachas she has from her daughter, Ronit.
Ayala expressed empathy to her child, and it allowed her child to express her feelings and her wants more accurately. The result of that was a suggestion that might make Ronit's bed time less difficult for both of them, a suggestion that came from the child.
Here's Ayala's letter.
Ronit has been having a hard time with bedtime and of course I've been utilizing your methods. The articles on empathy were also so helpful. Tonight she cried again and once more I asked her, "I see you're crying. What's so hard for you at bed time. I wish you would use your words instead." She finally calmed herself down and said, "Ma I'm so jealous that everyone else is still up when I go to sleep. It makes me sad." Amazing!! We then were able to have a conversation on what she can do when she feels jealous. She asked to play on her Nintendo for a few minutes each night in bed!! Incredible stuff!! Rabbi Ackerman I'm still impressed every time. What a success! And yes of course I told her how well she worked that out for herself!! Thanks again!!
Over the past few weeks, we've looked at some of the concerns parents have about expressing empathy towards their child.
I don't have enough time to give empathy.
It is not relevant; I'm too busy focusing on the problem.
Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me.
I don't want to open that Pandora's Box.
I haven't had enough training in empathic communication.
I'm concerned that if I use up all my empathy on one child I won't have anything left for the rest of my family.
We've addressed the first three, and this week we're up to number four. How did Ayala overcome this obstacle to empathy in order to have this conversation with Ronit? What gave her the courage to open Pandora's Box?
According to the myth, Pandora's Box contains every kind of evil that exists. Thus, the expression, "to open Pandora's Box," means to expose yourself to all kinds of difficulties that you think would better be contained inside the box.
What is the answer to a parent who is reluctant to invite a child to express her fears, frustrations, or jealousy because it would be opening Pandora's Box? I found the answer on page 168 of a book called The Facts On File Dictionary of Classical, Biblical, and Literary Allusions. I found out that there's one more thing in Pandora's Box besides all the evil and trouble. All the way down at the bottom, there is Hope.
Maybe the metaphor is that until you open the box and face what's frightening, you don't realize that there is hope. You may be afraid to invite your child to tell you what's inside of their box of fear, anger, disappointment, or jealousy. You may be thinking that allowing them to express what they are feeling obligates you to help them feel better and you don't know how. The reality is that your empathic listening gives them the opportunity to explore what they are already struggling with rather than teaching them to deny it. Then you can offer them hope that they will think about things differently and feel better someday soon. You can't think about something differently, and feel better about it, until you look at it. That's why the hope is inside the box.
David haMelech, A'H, in Psalm 48 wrote, "diminu Elokim chasdecha." Rav S. R. Hirsch explains diminu as "to make a likeness or a picture for one's self, to conceive of something," and translates the phrase as follows: "We had heretofore conceived of Thy mercy, O G-d." (The Psalms, Rav Hirsch, Feldheim, page 343) In the Artscroll Interlinear Siddur, Rav Davis translates diminu as "we hoped." (Ashkenaz, page 223) When you picture something, look at it more calmly and get a clearer, more accurate understanding of your thoughts and feelings, you gain hope that you will cope with them and develop new strategies for success. That's what Ayala accomplished by empathizing with Ronit. Ayala invited Ronit to describe all of the unpleasant thoughts and feelings with which she was struggling. Her empathy allowed Ronit to look at all of the scary things in her box, and resulted in Ronit's developing a strategy for success. And Ronit is, bli ayin hara, three.
There are two obstacles to empathy we have not addressed in these articles:
I haven't had enough training in empathic communication.
I'm concerned that if I use up all my empathy on one child I won't have anything left for the rest of my family.
Once you've learned empathic communication, you'll know that empathy begins with yourself. Learning how to monitor your own need for nurturance will help you nurture others without running out. I would not attempt to teach that to you in an article. I hope you will seek someone to teach and nurture you. You and your children deserve no less.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.