Just the other day I was walking down the street. All of a sudden I became aware of the fact that I was feeling happy. I stopped in my tracks and said to myself, âoh my gosh, Iâm happy, whatâs happening here, this is terrible, what could this be, why is this happening to me, how do I make it go away and make sure it never, ever happens to me again?â
The preceding paragraph sounds very strange, doesnât it? It doesnât make sense that I would become aware of the fact that Iâm feeling happy and be majorly concerned about it. What would make sense is to be aware of the fact Iâm suddenly feeling happy and to wonder what it is that Iâm seeing or hearing or thinking about thatâs causing me to feel happy.
Letâs try that first paragraph again. But we are going to replace one word each time that word occurs. We are going to replace the word âhappyâ with the word âanxious.â Letâs try the paragraph this way:
Just the other day I was walking down the street. All of a sudden I became aware of the fact that I was feeling anxious. I stopped in my tracks and said to myself, âOh my gosh, Iâm anxious, whatâs happening here, this is terrible, what could this be, why is this happening to me, how do I make it go away and make sure it never, ever happens to me again?â
According to the American Heart Association, if youâre stressed, anxious or extraordinarily happy or sad, your emotions can raise your pulse. So it is not accurate to say that the reason we are unhappy about being anxious yet happy about being happy is that our heart is not affected by being happy, but we can feel it pounding when we are anxious. It may be pounding when weâre very happy too, yet weâre okay with that.
In reality, we should be okay with both, happy and anxious. Being anxious neednât be any more of a threat to our well-being than being happy. Both of them are emotions and emotions are signals to which we may need to respond, but not to be terrified of.
My daughter came over to me and said she couldnât study for her test because she is so anxious about it. She said she couldnât even sit still in the chair, let alone concentrate on anything in her notebook. I told her that there was nothing to be so anxious about, and that if she would just sit herself down and open her notebook and look at one page at a time she could study for her test. She dutifully complied. Four minutes later she was back telling me that she tried and she cannot do it, sheâs too anxious. By now I was becoming anxious that I would never get back to what I was trying to do because she kept interrupting me. I wasnât angry at her, but I certainly was running out of patience. What was I supposed to say to her then?
What did you say to her then?
I said, âI canât talk to you about this anymore. Iâm sorry.â And I walked away. Iâm just not sure I did the right thing. I didnât know what else to do. I felt bad that she was upset but I didnât know what to say to her that might help her. What should I have said to her?
There are at least three different types of things you could choose to say to her at that point. Your best choice is the one that your child will find the most helpful.
Choice number one: I am in the middle of doing some things, but Iâm going to set aside 10 minutes to sit down with you and see if I can help you figure out how to study this material. You could begin by asking her how she has studied this type of material before, or asking her what are the different ways she can imagine studying this particular material.
When you think you absolutely have to do something and you donât know how to do it, you feel anxious. Many children are told that they need to study more but they have no idea how to study, which leaves them anxious. You can help reduce her anxiety by helping her figure out how to study.
A second type of thing you could say to her, rather than attempting to reduce her anxiety, would be to help her accept the fact that that she is anxious rather than stressing out over it. You would sound like this: You sound very unhappy about being anxious. What happens to you when you are anxious, whatâs so very terrible about it?
Listen carefully to her answer. Sheâll probably tell you that itâs very unpleasant and ask you if you think itâs okay for her to be anxious. The answer to that question is, yes.
If she says, âHow can I study when I am anxious,â you say, You canât if youâre struggling to stop being anxious, but you can if you accept the fact that youâre anxious and study anyway the best that you can.
The third way to approach this situation is to say to her, You seem very anxious about this upcoming test. What do you imagine is going to happen?
Be careful here. No matter what she says to you, do not contradict her. For example, if she says, âIâm gonna fail!â Donât say, âwhy would you think that,â or âcome on, now, youâre not going to fail.â
Instead, accept her prediction as plausible. Ask her what is going to happen next after she fails. Sheâll probably say, âWhat do you mean?â Slow down, and gently repeat your question, âWhatâs going to happen after you fail this test?â When she then says, âI donât know,â I suggest that you say, âThatâs very interesting. Youâre extremely afraid of failing, but you have no idea what might happen next if you were to fail. So what is it that youâre afraid of? Iâd like you to think about that and see if you can imagine surviving failing if that were to happen.â
Anxiety happens. Rather than fighting it, realize that you will survive it. Sit still and become aware of this emotion that is telling you that something is not the way you would like it to be. Think about what you wish would be different from how it is now. If you can make it different, make it different. If you canât, figure out how to tolerate the situation until it does change. Be confident that, bâezras HaShem, it will get better.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.