Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

 

A person should strive to be as humble as Hillel…

 

It once happened that two men made a wager with each other, saying, “Whoever of us makes Hillel angry will win four hundred zuz.”  It was erev Shabbos, and Hillel was bathing.  The bettor went to the door of Hillel’s home and called out, ‘Is Hillel here, is Hillel here?”   Hillel put on his robe and went out to him, and said, “My son, what do you seek?”

 

I have a question to ask.

 

Ask, my son, Hillel prompted.

 

He asked: Why are the heads of the Babylonians round?

Hillel replied: My son, you have asked a great question.  It is because they have no skillful midwives.

 

The bettor departed, but returned a few minutes later and called out, Is Hillel here, is Hillel here?  Hillel put on his robe and went out to him, saying, My son, what do you seek?

 

I have a question to ask.

 

Ask, my son, Hillel prompted.

 

He asked: Why are the eyes of the Palmyreans bleared?

Hillel replied: My son, you have asked a great question.  It is because they live in sandy places.  

 

The bettor departed, but returned a few minutes later and called out, Is Hillel here, is Hillel here?

Hillel put on his robe and went out to him, saying, My son, what do you seek?

 

I have a question to ask.

 

Ask, my son, Hillel prompted.

 

He asked:  Why are the feet of the Africans wide?

Hillel replied: My son, you have asked a great question.  It is because they live in watery marshes.

 

I have many questions to ask, the bettor said, but I fear that you may become angry.

 

Hillel put on his robe, sat before him, and said: Ask all the questions you would like to ask.

The bettor said, Are you the Hillel who is called the Nasi of Israel?

 

Yes, Hillel replied.

 

If so, may there not be many like you in Israel.

 

Why, my son?  Hillel asked.

 

Because I have lost four hundred zuz through you, the bettor complained.

 

“Be careful with your spirit,” Hillel replied. “Hillel is worth it that you should lose four hundred zuz and yet another four hundred zuz through him, yet Hillel shall not lose his temper.” (Shabbos 30b-31a)

 

Here are two questions about this fascinating passage:

 

Hillel repeatedly called him “my son.”   He was not Hillel’s son.  Why did Hillel begin the words “my son” every time he answered his questions?

Hillel had been bathing.  Obviously, he clothed himself before opening his door.  Why does the gemara tell us, each time, that Hillel put on his robe?

 

The Ben Ish Chai answers the first question.  In Ben Yehoyada on this gemara, he writes that Hillel reminded himself of a hashkafa and a halacha each time the boy spoke to him impertinently.  The hashkafa is to be gentle with someone who behaved inappropriately.  By calling him “my son,” Hillel was showing affection.  The halacha is that an Av may be mochel on his kovod, not insist on the honor due him.

 

I would like to suggest an answer to the second question:  what is the significance of the robe?

 

The Mishna in Avos lists the qualities of someone who learns Torah lishma.  One of them is Malbashto anava  - he is robed in humility.  Perhaps Hillel reminded himself that humility is the prerequisite to responding gently and listening respectfully to someone who didn’t properly respect you.  Humility allows you to concentrate on helping him improve, instead of focusing on how he mistreated you.  Humility allows you to think about how to help a child who didn’t do well, rather than ignoring bad behavior or attacking it.

 

If you ignore inappropriate behavior because you’re too angry, resentful, and frustrated, you’re doing the best you can when you say, “That was unacceptable.  IYH we’ll discuss it later,” and you walk away.  When you can do better, go back and sit down with your child, and talk over what happened, and what you would like her to do instead the next time.

 

Hillel, whom the gemara describes as the paradigm of humility, also said Im ani kaan, hakol kaan  (Succah 53a)  Rav Nisan Alpert, z’tl, taught us that the words mean, “when I’m here, all of me is here,” you have my undivided attention.

 

That means that sometimes you sit down with your child, and you give her your undivided attention.  You choose a place and the time when there will not be external distractions such as other children or your cell phone.  (You’ve silenced it and if it vibrates, you will NOT look to see who is on the caller ID.) 

 

Now comes the hard part: you carefully monitor internal distractions.  If you begin to think about what you need to convince her of or get her to do, or start to feel impatient or frustrated, tell her that you’d like to change the conversation over to some of your concerns; or postpone the conversation until another time.

 

When you attack bad behavior, with harsh words and recriminations, you may be “shutting her down.”  Your child may become reluctant to engage you in conversation next time.  That’s the opposite of what hinuch is about.

 

The names of many of our schools begin with the word Bais.  But the first bais is not the one your child attends.  It’s the one you help him become so that his school will be effective.

 

Hinuch is about creating a bais kibul, helping your child become receptive to the middos and the maasim you value and hope to impart to him.  Hillel modeled the middos and the maasim that make that happen.

 

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.