Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I was mistaken.
I've said something to many parents and I recently found out that it's not correct.
I've been telling parents that the only person who can't slow things down and think before reacting is a paramedic. The other day, at the breakfast table between dovening and my Sunday morning learning seder, I mentioned this idea. A paramedic seated nearby was nice enough to set me straight. He explained to me that when he arrives at the scene of an emergency he doesn't rush headlong into the situation. It was interesting; he also didn't say that he slows down. What he said was, when he arrives on the scene, the first thing he does is… he stops. He stops long enough to assess whether or not it is safe to proceed, safe for him and safe for the people he is there to help. In other words, he takes the time to figure out what might make the situation worse before he attempts to make it better. His training has taught him that the idea "anything I do has got to be better than doing nothing" is not only fallacious, it's dangerous.
There's a term that describes men and women who rush to the scene of an emergency. They're called "first responders." Which brings me to something else I've said to many parents, something I'm pretty sure I've got right. I often tell parents that there is a difference between reacting and responding. There's a difference internally and there's a difference in what you say out loud to your child.
Here's what a reaction sounds like internally:
Why can't I get this child to behave? I look at other parents with their children and I don't understand why I can't be as good a parent as they are. I'm sure my wife blames me for his behavior. I might as well stay in shul and schmooze with some of the other guys. I'm certainly not accomplishing much here at home with my kids.
And here's what this reaction sounds like externally:
Why can't you ever just do what I tell you? Do you have any idea what it's like for me when you can't ever comply with a simple request? I come home straight from shul just for this? I might as well stay there.
Now let's look at the same situation and see what the internal response sounds like in direct contrast to the internal reaction we just described.
Reaction: Why can't I get this child to behave?
Response: He didn't do what I asked him to do. I wonder what happened? Maybe I can help him do better next time.
Reaction: I look at other parents with their children and I don't understand why I can't be as good a parent as they are.
Response: Other parents seem to have some strategies for helping their children that I haven't learned yet. I'm going to look into that.
Reaction: I'm sure my wife blames me for his behavior.
Response: Maybe I should start by asking my wife. She might have some ideas that would be helpful for him and for me.
Reaction: I might as well stay in shul and schmooze with some of the other guys. I'm certainly not accomplishing much here at home with my kids.
Response: I really want to learn how to accomplish more with my kids.
And here's what this response sounds like externally:
What happened, Shloime? How could I help you?
There's also a difference in the outcome you're likely to arrive at. Reactions tend to result in confrontations and verbal altercations. When you react, your children tend to become defensive and react back to you. The ensuing argument might dissipate a lot of heat but rarely sheds any light. Responses more often lead to enlightening conversations.
Rabbi Ackerman, I want to assure you that when I say, "What happened, Shloime? How could I help you," he's going to say, "I don't know." It's not going to be much of a conversation.
Yet.
What do you mean, "yet?"
I mean you've invited him to have a conversation rather than precluding one by starting an argument. I would like you to believe him when he says that he doesn't know how you can help him, and to tell him that you would like him to think about it. Then, wish him a pleasant evening and walk away. A day or two later, ask him what he came up with. And when he tells you that he didn't come up with anything, gently ask him to please think about it, wish him a pleasant evening and walk away. It may take quite a while before this conversation takes place and things get better. In the meantime, you haven't made it worse.
I know I didn't describe the situation that this father was addressing. That's because it doesn't matter. Just like it doesn't matter what is the nature of the situation to which the paramedic is responding. He always needs to stop and think about what might make things worse before he tries to make something better.
Did the title of this article sound strange to you? I've never heard of a First Reactor either. They're called First Responders, not First Reactors, and now you know why.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.