Getting to Know You

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Someone once asked the Vilna Gaon why he napped so briefly on Shabbos afternoon, even on a long summer day. After all, the questioner continued, don't we say the word Shabbos is an acronym for shaina b'Shabbos taanog, sleep on Shabbos is a pleasure? The Gaon responded by saying yes, that's exactly why I rest for just a short time. Taanog is something to enjoy in small doses, not to indulge in at length.

What's a good way to spend some time on a long Shabbos afternoon? I suggest taking a cue from the wording in the afternoon Amidah: Yaakov u'vanav y'nuchu voh. Share some menuchas hanefesh with your children!

I once suggested this to the father of two teenage girls, ages 16 and 14 at the time. He responded with the classic "deer in the headlights" look which gave me yet another opportunity to not jump to a conclusion even though I had a ready reached one. I assumed that he really didn't want to give up his time sleeping, learning, reading, and doing whatever else he had been doing to spend time with either of his daughters, let alone both. I was really pleased to discover that I was mistaken.

Benjamin, what does that look on your face mean?

It means that I'd love to spend some time with Dina and with Aviva, but I have no idea what to say to them. I think if I actually sat down with the two of them, all that would happen is that they would talk to each other and I would sit there listening and have no idea what to say, so I don't even bother.

Then how does Dina know that you'd love to spend some time with her?

I am sure she has no idea.

I assume that's also true for Aviva, she also has no idea that you'd love to spend some time with her?

Rabbi Ackerman, I feel very funny saying this. I would like to spend some time with Dina, but I'm not so sure that I would enjoy spending any time with Aviva at all. I suppose you want me to tell you more about that.

Actually, I'd rather hear more about what you imagine will happen when you spend some time with Dina.

Dina is talkative, she's fun. She'll probably tell me all kinds of things that are going on in her life, and if I don't say anything, she'll just keep talking. But Aviva is not like that. She's a sweet girl, and she's not depressed or sad; she's just quiet. I think I would feel very pressured to come up with something to say, and then even when I did, she might say three words in response and then the conversation would stop again. I think it would be really awkward.

You think silence is awkward?

Well, yeah, are we just supposed to sit there looking at each other?

Are you sure that's worse than not spending any time with Aviva at all? And maybe there's another alternative here. What would you think about inviting Aviva to go for a walk with you on Shabbos afternoon? Where could you go that you could talk about the things that you are seeing and hearing around you as you walk? Or just walk together silently.

It turned out that Benjamin knew his daughter Dina quite well. After a slightly truncated Shabbos nap, he asked Dina to share a pitcher of lemonade with him on the patio. When he asked her what's been going on in her life, she treated him to a delightful recounting of her activities over the past week, and enthusiastically described her plans for the week to come.

As Benjamin had predicted, Aviva was less effusive. They went for a Shabbos walk.

So how are you Aviva. How have you been?

Fine, Boruch HaShem.

You're a junior counselor in that day camp, right, how's that going?

Yes, it's good.

What kind of activities do you do with the girls?

Dodge ball, punch ball, and swimming.

And so the conversation went, just as Benjamin had projected.

Until they got home.

And Aviva turned to her father, kissed him on the cheek, and said, "thank you, ta."

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LHMC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.

He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.

Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.