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"So Cute, So Hard on a Marriage"
This was the title of an article in a recent issue of the Wall Street Journal that described the affect of children on their parents' marriage.
According to the article, "numerous studies have shown that a couples' satisfaction with their marriage takes a nose dive after the first child is born. Sleepless nights and fights over whose turn it is to change diapers can leach the fun out of a relationship."
It's sad, and ironic. The irony is that the stronger the relationship between parents, the better it is for their children, these same children who test the strength of their parents' relationship again and again.
Is this article at all relevant to us, members of the frum community? Can you imagine parents in our community considering their children to be a source of stress and strain on their marriage?
Can you imagine parents being so stressed by their children that they could go so far as to curse them? And if you could, to what would you attribute it? Would you say it's because of our fast-paced urban lifestyle? Shall we blame it on the Internet?
I'm not a historian, but I'm fairly certain that the urban lifestyle of Bialystok, Poland in the early 1800s bore little resemblance to ours, and the Internet was not an issue to be addressed. The phenomenon of frum, loving parents cursing their children, was. It was addressed by a rav who lived in Bialystok, and died there in 1867, Rav Hanoch Zundel ben Yosef. He is best known for his commentaries Eitz Yosef and Anaf Yosef on the Midrash, the Ein Yaakov, and the Siddur.
Rav Hanoch Zundel also wrote a commentary on the laws and customs of tefila. I would like to share with you my translation of excerpts from his discussion of bentching children on Friday night, from his commentary Besamim Rosh.
(The Besamim Rosh is printed in the Siddur Otzar Hatefilos. In the 1966 Hebraica Press, nusach Ashkenaz edition, there are numbers at the bottom of the page. The number on the right is a chapter number and the number on the left is the page within that chapter. The following is from page "16 -39.")
"It is appropriate for every man to bless his sons and daughters on Shabbos, particularly on Friday night.
"I have found that that which it is customary for all Israel to bless their sons and daughters every Shabbos and holiday is because sometimes, during the week, the father and the mother have cursed their children because of their great stress or because of something else that happened to them. Therefore, now, in a time of joy we nullify those curses by way of the blessings; we ask Hashem to change the curse into a blessing.
"When a man places his hand onto the head of his child he, the father, is himself blessed, as the pasuk says, 'and Yisrael put his right hand, etc.' and then it says, 'and He [Hashem] blessed them, etc.'
"It is clear that it is a minhag shtus [an incorrect practice] on the part of those who refrain from blessing their children on the holy Sabbath, for our sages have taught, 'do not take lightly the blessing of an ordinary person.' And certainly at an ais ratzon [a time of G-d's willingness to forgive], such as Friday night, it [to fail to bless one's children] is an act of laziness brought about by the evil inclination, as is its way, to lower a person continuously into extreme sloth to prevent him from doing even the smallest act of the will of Hashem. Therefore anyone who has reverence for Hashem in his heart will bless his children and his offspring."
Sometimes, during the week, in early 19th century Bialystok, fathers and mothers cursed their children because of their great stress or because of something else that happened to them. Rav Hanoch Zundel did not berate those parents, he did not exhort them to control themselves at all times, to never become so frustrated and angry. He did not write that parents must never again curse their children. He knew that they might. He wrote that Hashem gives us an ais ratzon, a time when we can heal a wound inflicted in anger, and that it is inexcusable to forfeit the opportunity.
I'm sure you've never, G-d forbid, cursed any of your children, wished them harm or suffering. But you may have uttered an imprecation. An imprecation is defined as something rude, angry, or hostile that is said to or about someone. It is a synonym for "curse" in a broader sense of the term. The Hebrew word Rav Hanoch Zundel used is to describe how those parents may have "cursed" their children is m'kallalin. The word is translated as "to curse," but its literal meaning is to make light of. A parent doesn't have to be rude, angry, or hostile to curse their child in the Hebrew sense of the term. All it takes is a dismissive gesture of the hand or a glaring look to make a child be taken lightly, to feel insignificant.
The atonement process, when the Temple is standing, for one who has inflicted harm through inappropriate speech includes placing the blood of an offering onto the thumb. Rav Nisan Alpert, ztz"l, pointed out that this is to remind us of the harm we can do with a dismissive gesture of the hand.
Perhaps this is why it is so important that you place your hand on your child when you bless her. Your softly spoken love and soothing touch express your desire to heal the pain of harsh words and dismissive gestures.
One thing more. Make sure your eyes meet her eyes. Just as a look of disdain pushes your child away and makes her feel small, your smiling look of affection uplifts her and brings you closer.
Al t'hi birckas hedyot kallah b'aneicha (Megila 15a)
Don't take lightly the bracha given to you by an ordinary person.
It could be understood to mean, "The way to make your bracha more meaningful is b'aneicha, with your eyes."
A more meaningful bracha for your child, and for you.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationship, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.