There are three common reasons for saying no to your child.

One, he wants to do something you deem unsafe.

Two, he wants to do something you consider unhealthy.

Three, he wants to do something you think is unnecessary.

Once you’ve said no, how often do you change your mind?

If you never change your mind if there is a safety or health concern, why do you ever change your mind about anything you said no to?  I never change my mind about a safety issue because it’s a safety issue. If he asks to ride in the car without his car seat or ride his bike without a helmet the answer is no, period. And when your child insists on opening the buckle on his car seat, or screams about going into his car seat, what do you do?  I reclose the buckle or put him into the seat screaming. He gives up after a while. It’s the same thing when he demands to have ice cream ten minutes before supper will be ready, and I know it will ruin his appetite and the ice cream will be his supper, I say no and wait for him to stop screaming. It’s unhealthy so I won’t change my mind.

This is all fine with little children. How does it apply to teenagers? You’re not going to physically place them into a car seat or anywhere else. And if they eat a pint of ice cream ten minutes before supper, they’ll still eat everything in sight at supper time.

How would it apply to a teenager issue like curfew? It may be unsafe and it’s probably unhealthy for your teenager to be out too late at night. That’s why you told him to be home by 10:30. When he immediately complained that 10:30 is too early, and asked if he could stay out until 11, you said no. When he comes home at 11 anyway, what can you do about it? Right then, there’s nothing you can do about it. Avoid the temptation to lecture him on the importance of making curfew no matter how cogent you think your arguments are. And don’t threaten him with anything, even if you mean it. But I want him to take his curfew seriously. How is that going to happen if I don’t say anything? It will happen when you wait for him to say something first. Specifically, when you wait for him to want something from you. That’s when you say, “We’ll talk about what you want after you’ve spoken with me about how you’re going to accomplish what I want.”

That is very specific wording I would like you to use. Notice that it is generic; it doesn’t matter what it is that he wants or what it is that you want. And don’t say “I’ll give you what you want after you’ve spoken with me about how you’re going to accomplish what I want.” Don’t agree to anything beyond talking with him about what he wants.

You can expect the following two responses from your teenager.

First, he’ll say, “That doesn’t make sense! There’s no connection between what I want and what you want!”   Your response is, “I just told you that we’ll talk about what you want after you’ve you spoken with me about how you’re going to accomplish what I want. You don’t see how I’ve connected them?”

The second thing he may say is, “But I need it now!” No, he doesn’t. He wants it now. He’ll survive without it. And if it’s that important to him, all he needs to do is talk with you about what you want.

Be very careful not to use negatives. Don’t say, “I won’t give you what you want because you don’t seem to care about what I want,” and don’t even say, “I won’t give you what you want until you talk with me about what I want.” Those expressions sound like nekama, revenge, which is forbidden. Using the wording I have given you, staying positive, turns what your teenager wants into an incentive for addressing what you want, and incentives are appropriate for children, teenagers, and adults.

Now what about that third category: your child wants to do something you think is unnecessary.

I would urge you to acquiesce unless you have a very strong reason not to. Children’s wants and wishes are thwarted often enough for good reasons. Letting your child have what she wants even when you don’t consider it essential will not deprive her from developing frustration tolerance. She’ll have plenty of opportunities to learn how to cope with disappointment.

Slow down and think first. Don’t answer your child’s request until you’ve carefully considered the reason for saying yes or no. Hevu misunim b’din, slow down and think before making a judgment. Yes, sometimes it may seem like a trivial matter to you, but it may be very important to your child.

Once you’ve said no, don’t explain, cajole, plead, or threaten. Just hold your ground. Do not respond to why questions other than to repeat your “no” or your expectation. Don’t say “because I said so.” That’s an attempt to overpower your child and power struggles turn out poorly. Imagine yourself not a warrior in battle with your child, but as a concrete wall coated in six inches of rubber. Stand still and let your child verbally bounce off of you without pushing her back. If instead you engage your child, she knows she will wear you out. When you stand still and let her bounce off, she’ll wear out first.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.