Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

What do you think about when the new school year begins? Many parents hope that their children's school year will be better than last year. Some parents wonder how to make that happen. This article will give you some specific ideas.

There are three situations which I will address in this article: homework, studying, and conversations with your child's teacher.

The first thing you need to know about homework is whether or not your child has any. Rather than asking him, "do you have any homework today," ask him, "what homework do you have today?" If he says he doesn't have any homework and your impression is that the teacher gives homework regularly, tell him that you're surprised that he wasn't given any homework, and that you intend to call the teacher to find out what happened. Be careful not to turn this into a discussion of whether or not you think he is lying to you.

If you say to your child:

I'm going to call your teacher to find out if you really don't have any homework .

He will hear it as: you think I'm lying and you're going to try to catch me.

And you're about to say to me:

But Rabbi Ackerman, shouldn't I catch him so he'll learn not to lie?

I'm going to venture a guess that in school years past he has lied to you about homework and you have caught him. How has catching him in the past been helpful if he is still lying to you about homework again this year?

So I should just let him get away with it?

No, I'd rather you help him with whatever is getting in his way about his homework so he won't have anything to get away with.

What is getting in your child's way about his homework? The answer has very little to do with the age, grade, subject, or type of school your child attends. It has a lot to do with your child's "Homework Place."

Before the school year begins, I would like you to sit down with each of your children for 10 minutes and complete the following assignment together.

My Homework Place

Describe your homework place by answering the following questions:

1. When I do my homework, where do I sit? How comfortable is it? If it's not that comfortable, what would make it more comfortable?

2. Where do I put my textbook, my notebook, my paper? If it's too cramped, where I could spread it out better?

3. What sounds do I hear while I'm doing my homework (siblings, parents, music, sounds from outdoors, what else)? If the sounds are distracting to me, what can I do?

4. What do I see while I'm doing my homework? Who comes into my field of vision? How can I avoid being interrupted?

5. What do I smell while I'm doing homework?

6. What skills can I use to overcome the distractions when I can't prevent them or escape them?

7. How long do I work until my break? What do I do during my break? How long is my break?

8. To whom do I turn when I need help?

Inviting your child to think about the answers to these questions helps her plan to succeed at doing her homework by identifying the things that have made it hard for her in the past. By helping her to identify or create a better environment in which to do her homework you make it likely that she'll find it more pleasant to work on her homework. Will she have fun with her homework? That will depend on the educator, the materials, and your ability to make something that could be rather dry, entertaining. I would suggest that you try for it occasionally and not expect it every night. You and your child will both enjoy the profit of your efforts.

Which brings us to topic number two, study. What brings us to the topic number two? Entertainment! The science of associative memory has taught us that studying is most effective when it is entertaining.

Picture in your mind: Noah Ark being deluged by the contents of gigantic 99 cent can of Arizona ice tea. Really, take a second and picture it in your mind. Now, tell me, what state comes alphabetically after Arizona? ARKansas. Trust me, you'll never forget it. It's entertaining, it's weird, it's memorable!

That's the point. It's a powerful tool for memorization, which is fine when study requires memorization and nothing else.

What do you do when study requires comprehension? You sit down with your child and ask him if he seems to understand things better when he hears them, reads them, or explores them in some manner with his hands or his eyes. Some children understand and remember better when they speak the material into a voice recorder; some benefit from hearing themselves or you over and over again. Some children study by writing, sketching, or flow charting the concepts on a blank pad. Your role is to make sure they know what different strategies might help them study more effectively and to make the materials available to them.

And topic 3, what will make your conversations with your child's teacher more effective?

First, when you see the teacher's name on the Caller ID, be optimistic. I hope your child's teacher's first phone call will be to tell you something good about how your child is doing. If the teacher expresses concerns about your child's performance, whether academic, social, or behavioral, ask the teacher what your child could do that would be an improvement. Once you have a clear understanding of the teacher's expectation, decide when to tell your child that the teacher called, and what expectation was expressed. Make sure you are calm, and have a few minutes to hear your child's "side of the story." Then, help your child figure out how to meet the teacher's expectation, even though he doesn't see the situation the same way the teacher does.

Dina, your teacher called and said you missed a minute of recess because you were talking. The teacher would like you to sit quietly during class, and so would I. What happened?

Mom, you don't understand. It's so unfair! Two other kids were talking before me, and I was just saying something about what they had said, and I was the only one who lost a minute of recess. It's not fair.

I'm sure it's really frustrating for you, Dina, when other girls get away with something and you don't. What can you do differently to make sure that you don't lose any recess time?

But it isn't fair; they should've lost a minute also.

I don't really understand how they're being punished along with you would make your missing some of your recess okay with you.

It's not okay with me!

All right, so what you can you differently to make sure you don't lose some of your recess time the next time other girls are talking?

Dina may not know what to do, and I don't want you to tell her. Let her feel bad for awhile and think about it. She'll figure it out, and she'll do better, sometimes. If you don't hear from her teacher for two weeks, call the teacher to confirm that Dina is doing better, and make sure you tell her about that phone call, too!

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.