Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

I enjoy hearing from you, dear reader.  I like to hear that you are more positive with your children, noticing and acknowledging things that they do well.  I appreciate it when you tell me that your home is a calmer and more pleasant place for you and for your children.   As I've said to many of you, I will accept my share of the credit and I want you to accept yours.

I will also accept your constructive criticism, and I am going to respond to some right now.  You complained that in a recent article I wrote what NOT to do, and WHY not to do it, but I didn't suggest what you might do instead.  You said:

In a recent article, you wrote that it is important to be truthful even when a lie would make things simpler, and you gave this example:

"There's no more candy in the cabinet."

There is more candy in the cabinet but your daughter can't see it.  You don't want to tell her the truth.  You don't want to tell her that there is more candy in the cabinet and that you're not willing to give it to her.  You'd rather lie and say there is no more and hope she believes you.  You don't want to tell her the truth because you're sure she'll argue with you, cry, or throw a tantrum.  It's easier to just lie.

You may disagree with the principle that "lying is wrong, period."  I brought support to that principle from HaKsav v'Hakabala and Limudei Nisan on Braishis 18:12-15 in the article to which you responded.  Here are some more makoros for this principle:

[Distance yourself] from anything that could lead someone to lying, as chazal have taught us: be careful with your words lest from them, others learn to lie. (Siporno on Shemos 23:7).

Many people fail to understand that the prohibition against lying applies even in a situation where you do not cause any harm to anyone else.  And even those who understand that the prohibition applies in all situations, many of them don't understand the basis of this prohibition. They mistakenly think that it is one of the laws of the Torah that there is such an action as "speaking falsely" similar to the prohibition against eating chazir and other prohibitions in the Torah.  Actually, when we look in the Torah and the words of our sages that explain the matter, it becomes clear to us that the prohibition against lying is different and not comparable to other Torah prohibitions?€¦ The Torah does not just prohibit the action of speaking falsehood.  Rather, the Torah gives a general prohibition against falsehood and everything related to it.  That is to say, a person has to feel hatred in his heart towards falsehood, so that falsehood becomes disgusting in his eyes?€¦ thus we see that a "liar" is defined as someone who doesn't hate falsehood, and will therefore resort to falsehood for his benefit?€¦ From this we learn the extent to which a person must distance himself even from the very smallest point of falsehood.  (Chidushei haLev on Shemos 23:7).

Parents should not make the mistake of thinking that their young children don't understand what's going on around them.  For example, if a mom opens the door to a meshulach and says that her husband isn't home [when he actually is], she needs to realize that her child playing nearby both heard and understood what just happened: his mother lied.  She has to tell the truth, that the father is home.  And when a father signs a note that his son has reviewed his studies at home even though it's not entirely true, he has taught his son the opposite quality from truthfulness.  (Aitzos v'Hadrachos vol 2, pages 36-37).

You may still think lying is justified, sometimes.  Perhaps you have sources upon which you base your point of view.  Two dangers remain.  The Yalkut Mai'am Lo'ez explains the first concern:

To maintain peace is the only reason to permit falsehood, since the intention is to avoid strife, and not because one wants to lie.  Yet it is still forbidden to do this regularly, for you will become accustomed to lying, and the yetzer hara, a master craftsman, will enable you to find a justification every time you choose to lie.  (Mimayanos ha'Netzach on Shemos 23:7)

The second danger is that when you get caught in your lie, what is going to happen? 

To paraphrase Koheles (10:20) Even in your mind, don't' curse the king, in the privacy of your bedroom, don't curse the rich; for a bird of the air shall carry the voice, and that which has wings shall tell the matter.  

And Hillel cautioned us:  Don't say something that you don't want heard, because it will be heard.  [Pirkei Avos 2:4]

What is going to happen when she finds out that there is more candy in the cabinet; or in some other situation, and there will be one, she realizes that you lied?  You have modeled for her that it is okay to lie in order to avoid an unpleasant situation.   I'm sure you didn't mean to teach her that.  I'm equally sure that she will learn that from you.  Perhaps you want to explain to her that it is okay for you to lie to avoid an unpleasant situation, but you expect her to tell the truth, no matter how unpleasant she imagines the outcome will be.  I think that would be unfair, and unrealistic.

But you didn't suggest what to say to my daughter after I tell her that there is candy in the cabinet.  I have a reason for telling her that there is no more candy.  I know that if she can see the candy or if I tell her that it's there and I won't give it to her she'll ask me, "why not?"  If I tell her it's because we're going to be eating supper soon, she'll say that she'll eat your supper anyway so I should give her the candy. If I tell her that she already had candy she will say she only wants one more piece just one more please, please, please.  If I just say "no because I said so" she'll say I'm always mean to her and I let her brother have candy whenever he wants it.  This debate will go on and on and I just don't have time for it.

You don't have time for "it?"  What is "it" that you don't have time for?

The truthful alternative is to take the time to look at her and say, "no, I will not let you have candy now, what can you do until suppertime (or what can you nibble on instead of candy)?"   She'll just whine and keep asking?   You can breathe deeply and calmly repeat yourself until she realizes that you mean what you just said because you are truthful.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.