Parenting With Rabbi Ackerman

Have you ever asked your child, “what’s the matter”, and he said “I don’t know.”

Children often say, “I don’t know” because they don’t know. They don’t have the words to describe what they’re feeling.

You can help your child identify and express feelings. Identify has to come first.

When your child can’t describe what he’s feeling, you may be tempted to offer some suggestions.

Mom: You look like something’s bothering you, Malka. What’s the matter?

Malka: I don’t know.

Mom: Are you angry about something?

Malka: I don’t know.

Mom: Are you upset with about someone?

Malka: I don’t know.

This line of questioning is often frustrating for both parent and child. There is an alternative.

Invite your child to talk about what happened instead of asking what’s bothering her. Ask her about events rather than feelings.

Mom: You look like something’s bothering you, Malka. What happened?

Malka: I was raising my hand nicely but Morah never calls on me.

Next, paraphrase your child’s report of what happened to her, and then ask her what that meant to her, how she interpreted what she saw and heard.

Mom: The teacher never calls on you, even when you raise your hand quietly, and you don’t even wave it around. Tell me more.

CAUTION: You may be quite sure that “never calls on me” is not an accurate statement. For the time being, accept your child’s perception and you will be able to help her think about it differently as your conversation continues. If you challenge her on it now, she will argue the point, and tell you that you never believe her. Your conversation will come to an abrupt end, and she’ll still think that her morah never calls on her.

Malka: It’s not fair. She doesn’t like me.

Mom: It seems unfair that she didn’t call on you. When that happens, what is it like for you?

Now you are inviting her to identify the feelings that she experiences as a result of things that happen and her interpretation of those events. Her teacher didn’t call on her even though she had been raising her hand nicely. You really don’t know why the teacher didn’t call on her. Perhaps the teacher saw 12 hands raised nicely and called on someone else, not intending to “not call on” Malka. Nonetheless, Malka was not called on.

Malka: It’s not fair!

You asked Malka what it’s like for her when she thinks it’s not fair that her teacher didn’t call on her. In your first attempt to elicit her feelings you asked her an open-ended question, “what is it like for you.” You were hoping she would tell you how she feels when she’s thinking those thoughts, but she again told you the thought, “it’s not fair,” rather than describing any feeling she has about it. Now, switch to a multiple-question:

Mom: I understand it seemed really unfair to you. And when that happened, you felt sad, or angry, or frustrated...

Malka: I felt sad. Morah never pays attention to me. It makes me angry.

Mom: So you felt sad and angry. (sigh) [Feel bad with her!]

Right about here, parents describing these types of conversations sometimes say to me:

I validated her feelings. Then I explained to her that perhaps the teacher saw 12 hands raised nicely and called on someone else, not intending to “not call on” her. I told her that it’s fair for other children to get a turn sometimes, and there’s no reason to be sad and angry, and besides, I’m sure because she gets called on sometimes, too.

When you say to your child, “I understand that you felt sad and angry” and then proceed to tell him that he shouldn’t have, you didn’t validate his feelings. You told him that you think his feelings were invalid and unnecessary, and that he got it wrong again.

You will be more helpful to your child when you really do validate his feelings. You would sound like this:

Mom: You felt sad and angry when Morah called on someone else even though you were raising your hand nicely. What happened then, Malka?

Malka: I make a little bird sound to get on her nerves cause I was angry at her.

Mom: And then what happened?

Malka: Morah said I’d be getting an assignment.

Mom: Is that what the teacher meant in the note she sent home with your punishment assignment? The note that says you disrupted the class?

Malka: Yes.

Mom: Malka, what else could you do the next time you feel sad and angry in school? I don’t want you to get in trouble again.

Malka: I don’t know.

We’re back to “I don’t know.”

This time, Malka doesn’t know what else to do when she’s sad and angry about something that happened in school, and last time she did something that got her in trouble. When your child doesn’t know what else to do when she’s sad and angry, you may be tempted to offer some suggestions. Slow down.

First, as we’ve already discussed, don’t try to talk her out of being sad and angry. She may decide, in retrospect, that she could have thought about the situation differently and she would have felt differently, not sad and angry. That doesn’t mean that she’ll never feel sad and angry in a similar situation.

You have the opportunity to help her think about what behavioral choices she could make the next time she experiences those feelings. I urge you to help her think about it, not think about it for her.

You help her think by giving her time to think. When she says, “I don’t know,” say to her that you understand (and accept!) that she doesn’t know. Then, gently tell her that you want her to think about it, and that you want her to come and tell you what ideas she thought of. If she asks you, “what do you think I could do,” offer her a suggestion, and ask her to think what would happen if she were to do what you suggested. If she imagines it would work well for her, fine. If not, see if you, together, can modify it so it would work.

What always works for a child when she’s sad and angry? I don’t know. What always works for you?

In Liketui Eitzos, R' Nachum of Breslov, wrote, “When you run out of tachbolos, you're left with savlonus.” You can’t always prevent or cure sadness and anger. You can cope with them in ways that don’t hurt you or those around you. That’s what you teach your child.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.