That wasn't symmetrical. If I were to say that some explanations are helpful and some explanations are not helpful that would be symmetrical. But if some explanations are helpful, why are some conversations beyond not helpful all the way to counterproductive? How do they make it worse?
Explanations can be counterproductive in two different ways. The first is alluded to in Koheles, 5:2, ki bah hachalome b'rov inyan, "for a dream comes with many subjects." (Metsudah Five Megillos, 2001) Menashe, an 11 year old boy, explained this to me when I met with him privately, at his rebbe's request.
Hi Menashe, how are you? I'm, Rabbi Ackerman. Rebbe sent you to speak with me. What do you imagine he would like us to talk about?
I don't know.
Okay, what would you like talk about?
I don't know.
That's alright, Menashe, we can start with what your rebbe wishes I could help you with and then maybe you'll think of something else you'd like to talk about also. Your rebbe said that you "drift off" during class and he has to remind you to stay focused on what he is explaining. What's happening?
I start out focused when Rebbe begins to explain something, but then Rebbe explains it so many times after I already understand it so I just start daydreaming about other stuff and then don't realize when Rebbe finished explaining and went onto something else so I miss the first part of the next thing.
Menashe's daydreams came from rov inyan, too much for him on the subject, a subject he already understands. The lengthy explanation was counterproductive. It made it harder for him to stay focused in class and then he would miss the beginning of the next topic. We resolved this issue when Menashe asked his rebbe to motion with his hand when he was about to begin a new topic. His rebbe agreed to try it. I later learned that both he and Menashe thought that worked out well.
The other type of explanation rarely works out well. It's counterproductive because it leads to challenge rather than comprehension. It's the kind of explanation that tells your child why he should do something rather than how to do it. You attempt to explain why he should and your child attempts to explain why it isn't necessary. Or he just decides that it's not necessary without trying to explain that to you.
According to the commentary Tosefes Bracha [Rav Baruch haLevi Epstein, ztz"l], this was Hashem's concern. In Vayikra 17:1 - 17:7, Hashem tells Moshe Rabeinu some of the laws of offerings. In 17:8, Hashem says, "V'aleihem tomar," ["and tell them"], and then in the following sentences repeats the same laws with one critical difference. When Hashem told the laws to Moshe, Hashem explained why. When Hashem instructed Moshe what to tell the people, Hashem repeated the laws, without the why. Tosefes Bracha goes on to point out that there are only two mitzvos in the Torah for which Hashem gave the reasons. Shlomo haMelech was confident that the reasons did not apply to him. He was mistaken, as discussed in the gemara Sanhedrin (21b).
I know that teenagers often find it frustrating when you don't explain your request. Many teens are able to hear a "why" and accept it even when they don't agree with it. I'm sure you know some adults who haven't reached that point! So it's a judgment call. You explain your "why" when you hope he'll understand and appreciate your point of view, and comply even if he doesn't agree with you. You don't explain why when you're pretty sure he won't comply unless he agrees; because now it's not an explanation, it's a persuasion, and that seldom works out well.
With younger children, explanations are less likely to meet with compliance in the absence of agreement. It often plays out something like this:
You may not have ice cream now because supper's in 20 minutes and you won't want to eat anything then.
NO,NO, I'LL EAT EVERYTHING AT THE SUPPER TABLE, I PROMISE, JUST GIVE ME THE ICE CREAM!
Is he lying? Probably not; he just doesn't predict well.
And that's why your explaining is futile. You've explained the reason for your decision. You're not asking your son to do what you want because it's your preference and you'd like him to respect it. You've explained that you want him to do something, or have refused his request, because of an outcome that you want to prevent. As your son sees the situation, as soon as he convinces you that the outcome you're trying to prevent is not going to happen, he'll get what he wants from you. After all, if he's right, there's no reason not to give him what he wants.
You proceed from futile to counterproductive when you get tired of the argument, give him what he wants, and the outcome turns out just fine. In our example, 20 minutes after the ice cream you finally agreed to after the 10 minute argument over it, he ate everything on his supper plate. Now he has learned that sometimes your reasons, your predictions of what will go wrong, are incorrect, so it's worth arguing with you.
Yes, but what if it turns out I was right? What if after giving him the ice cream he does not eat anything on his supper plate?
Okay, so the next night, when he asks for ice cream 20 minutes before supper time, you want to explain to him that last night you gave in and then he didn't eat his supper, therefore if you were to give in to him now he would again not eat his supper, therefore you're not going to give him the ice cream. What do you think he'll say?
(sigh) He'll probably say that last night was different, but tonight he is really hungry so I should give him the ice cream and he promises he will eat his supper.
And he'll say it sincerely. Shlomo HaMelech didn't think it would turn out poorly, either.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationship, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.