A comment from a reader of my column:
One more thing I personally need to learn, and a point you may want to bring out in a future article - to take our children's questions seriously and not brush them off by using humor to make light of it or by being dismissive. Their questions are real and they need to be answered respectably.
Can you remember a time when your child asked you something, and you looked her in the eye and said, "You must be kidding!" What happened next? Did she say, "yes I was just kidding," and you shared a laugh? Or did she look confused or disheartened.
Many children have a wonderful sense of humor, and I hope you enjoy joking with your kids when you both know it's a joke.
I don't enjoy it at all when I ask something seriously and someone looks at me like I'm from Neptune and finds it quite amusing that I asked such a question.
The Talmud says that the intensity of humiliation depends on the stature of the victim and of the perpetrator. I guess that's why sometimes I feel confused when someone dismisses my question, and sometimes I feel disheartened.
I feel confused when someone whom I don't really know responds to my question in a way that is discourteous to me and dismissive of my query. I tend to wonder why they would behave so inappropriately towards me, and I feel bad that they are so socially inept. I know that they don't know me well enough to be rendering any type of judgment about me that could have any basis in reality, so I don't feel bad about myself.
It's a very different situation when I ask a question of someone whom I know very well, whom I respect and admire, and who, I believe, thinks well of me. When she responds to me as though my question were inane, I feel disheartened. I wonder if I've asked something foolish, so that now she thinks less of me. I feel disheartened, perhaps even humiliated, and yes, I get over it.
Children also get over being humiliated. And they learn to be real careful to avoid it in the future when they don't trust someone who has hurt them in the past.
I think there is a connection between two expressions in a Mishna in Avos. The first expression says that a person who is a baishan cannot learn. The next expression says that a person who is a kapdan cannot teach. Taken by itself, the second expression doesn't seem to make sense. Just because you are inflexible and harsh, why can't you impart information?
I think the second expression is telling us that someone who is a kapdan, who makes a child afraid to ask questions, turns that child into a baishan who cannot learn. Learning requires a level of trust that the person who is teaching you will answer your question if he's able to, and have the humility to tell you if he can't, rather than humiliating you for asking a question to which he couldn't immediately respond. Which brings us to a common expression that includes a form of the word kapdan: to be makpid on your kovod.
The greatest commentator on the Torah and the Talmud, Rashi, had the humility to write, on more than one occasion, that he didn't know what something meant. Rashi wasn't makpid on his kovod. Yet he has earned the kovod of generations by becoming the quintessential teacher to us all.
What Rashi teaches us as parents is that it is okay to say, "I don't know." The alternative is to think that you must know the answer to every question, feel humiliated when you don't, and react with derision to fend off the perceived slight. That results in children who are afraid to ask questions and afraid to trust you with their concerns and doubts.
That's truly sad.
It becomes dangerous when your child expresses those concerns and doubts to someone else who may address them in a way that could be harmful.
A comment from another reader of my column:
In my humble opinion, one of the most important reasons that people behave badly is a
feeling, rightly or wrongly, that they have been humiliated.
The corollary is that children whose questions are respected, even when we can't answer them, more often behave well.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Men's and women's groups now available. Call for details.