I have waited some time to tell this story.  You may recognize yourself but I didn’t want to risk anyone else realizing who you are if they saw this happen.  I don’t know you, I’ve never met you, but I saw and heard you right in front of me at the cashier in a non-Jewish supermarket.

You were having your items checked out by the cashier. You had a child in a stroller, and a little boy, I’m guessing around 4 or 5 years old, standing near you.  To the right of this cashier lane in this non-Jewish supermarket there is a rack of kosher candies, chalav yisroel and kosher pareve candies, exclusively.  The little boy asked you if he could get one of those candies.  You said, “That’s not kosher.” 

You are a liar.  And what’s worse is that you didn’t hesitate, you didn’t stammer, you didn’t seem the least bit uncomfortable with lying.  That’s why I didn’t write, “You lied.”  I wrote that you are a liar, a brazen, shameless liar.  Shameless enough to lie in front of an apparently non-Jewish cashier, who, I suspect, is fully aware of the fact that the candies on the rack she sees all day long are kosher. 

You demonstrated to her that Jews lie.

Before you tell me that what you say to your child is none of the cashier’s business, I will tell you that everything you say and do is a potential Kiddush Hashem, or chas v’shalom something else. 

I imagine that you didn’t tell him the truth, which is that you weren’t willing to buy it for him, because you were sure he would argue with you, cry, or throw a tantrum. In the supermarket!  He would make a scene and you would look like an incompetent mother.  You would be embarrassed and you “can’t stand that.”  You think that justifies lying.

If I were to meet with this mom, I would probably say:

Let’s imagine that you saw a plant knocked over in your home, and you were pretty sure that Reuven knocked it over and didn’t tell you.  When you asked him if he knocked over the plant, he said no.  Assuming that he did knock over the plant, why did he lie to you?  Could it be because he’s embarrassed to tell you the truth?  Could it be that he thinks the outcome of telling you the truth will be unpleasant for him?

Mom might respond:

That’s doesn’t make it okay to lie.

I would reply:

That’s interesting.  Lying to avoid embarrassment is okay if it will prevent you from an unpleasant outcome and from becoming embarrassed, but it isn’t okay if it will prevent your child from an unpleasant outcome and from being embarrassed.  Lying is justified if it is convenient for you but not if it’s convenient for your child? That’s how you understand it?

Here’s how our Chazal in Yevamos 63a understand it:

Rav was constantly tormented by his wife. If he told her, 'Prepare me lentils', she would prepare him small peas; [and if he asked for] small peas, she prepared him lentils. When Rav’s son Hiyya was older he would tell his mother [his father's instructions] in the reverse order. [e.g. If Rav told Hiyya that he wanted lentils, Hiyya told his mother that his father had asked for peas. As a result, she prepared what Rav had actually wanted, thinking he wanted something else.] “Your mother,” Rav once remarked to him, “has improved!” 'It was I', the other replied, “who reversed [your orders] to her.” Rav said to his son, “This is what people say, 'Your own offspring teaches you reason.' You, however, must not continue to do so for it is said, “They have taught their tongue to speak lies…” (Yermiahu 9:4)

We might think that the improvement in the relationship between Rav and his wife would justify their son Hiyya’s lies to his mother. After all, he wasn’t lying to gain benefit for himself or to shield himself from punishment. He was just “adjusting the truth” to help his parents get along. His father told him that although it may seem justified, lying is not acceptable.

Why not?

I don’t like “why” questions.  But here’s Rav Henoch Leibowitz, zt”l’s answer:

Many people fail to understand that the prohibition against lying applies even in a situation where you do not cause any harm to anyone else. And even those who understand that the prohibition applies in all situations, many of them don’t understand the basis of this prohibition.  They mistakenly think that it is one of the laws of the Torah that there is such an action as “speaking falsely” similar to the prohibition against eating chazir and other prohibitions in the Torah.

Actually, when we look in the Torah and the words of our sages that explain the matter, it becomes clear to us that the prohibition against lying is different and not comparable to other Torah prohibitions… The Torah does not just prohibit the action of speaking falsehood.  Rather, the Torah gives a general prohibition against falsehood and everything related to it. That is to say, a person has to feel hatred in his heart towards falsehood, so that falsehood becomes disgusting in his eyes… thus we see that a “liar” is defined as someone who doesn’t hate falsehood, and will therefore resort to falsehood for his benefit… From this we learn the extent to which a person must distance himself even from the very smallest point of falsehood.  Chidushei haLev, Shemos 23:7

It’s easier to lie.  Nonetheless, you want your child to do better than that.  It’s a lot more likely that he will when you do.

Note: Thank you, Ari Wilschanski, for sending me the source for the expression: “Ain simcha k’hataras hasafaikos. There is no joy like the untying of doubts.”  It is found in the Metzudas Dovid on Mishlei 15:30.

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.