Parenting With Rabbi Ackerman

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

 

I was told the following fictitious story.

 

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her shopping cart.  As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No."  The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased.  The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.  "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.  The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

 

Monica was talking to herself. 

 

I remember when talking to yourself was considered a sign that there was something wrong with you. Years ago, when we saw someone walking down the street by themselves talking out loud we would think they were a little strange.  Now we assume they're talking to someone on their Bluetooth, and what's strange is the private things people talk about in full voice in public places.

 

Monica told the man that she'd been talking to herself rather than to her little girl as he had imagined.  It's a good punch line if you see this story as a humorous anecdote.  We can also see this story as a parable and take from it an important musar haskale.

 

Im ain ani li, mi li.  If I don't talk to myself, who will talk to me?  Do I expect my child to help me put things into perspective, to think about what choices I have and how I can express myself more effectively, and to slow down long enough to weigh the potential outcomes of the choice before I make it?

 

My wife and I were discussing what you said last week about weighing the outcomes of choices that we can make before we make one.  You quoted a chazal that says "ai-zeh hu chacham? Ha-ro-eh es hanoelad- Who is wise? One who can see the outcome of his action."  We're not nevi'im; how is that possible?

 

You're right.  The example of roe-eh es hanoelad is Lot.  Rashi points out that Lot knew what had happened with his older daughter, yet he made the same choice again rather than learning from the "nolad" of his prior choice.  He made the same choice that led to the same unfortunate outcome instead of learning from how this choice had turned out before.  You've told me that one of the most frustrating things for you is when Li-el tries to carry more groceries into the house at one time than she can and she ends up dropping and sometimes spilling things even though you've told her numerous times not to.

 

Li-el's mom:  You mean we need to get Li-el to be roe-eh es hanoelad, to see what happened the last time she took too many groceries so she won't do it again.  But we've tried to.  I don't know how many times we've said to her, "you should have learned by now that every time you take too many groceries you drop something.  How do you not realize that it's going to happen again?"

 

Me:  I believe you that you don't know how many times you've said that to her.  I'd like you to take a guess.  Would you estimate that you've said that to her seven times or maybe ten times; maybe more than ten times?  What do you think?

 

Li-el's dad:   Between Aviva and me, we've probably said it took her more than ten times, but what's the difference?

 

Me:  I was about to ask you the same thing.  What's the difference?  What difference have you made, what have you accomplished by saying the same thing to her repeatedly?  I would ask you to consider being roe-eh es hanoelad of your saying the same thing to her over and over again.  You keep telling her to look at the results of her trying to take too many groceries at the same time.  I'm asking you to think about the results of what you're doing.  She keeps doing the same thing and you keep saying the same thing and nothing has improved.

 

Li-el's mom:  So what should I say to her to get her to stop taking too many groceries?

 

Me:  We'll get to that in a minute.  First I want to know what you say to yourself when you see her carrying too many groceries.

 

Li-el's mom:  I don't say anything to myself.

 

Me:  I would like you to.  I would like you to picture in your mind, right now, Li-el carrying too many groceries.   Imagine that you're about to tell her something, and tell me, out loud, what it is you're hoping to accomplish with what you're going to say to her, knowing that what you've said to her up until now hasn't helped.

 

Li-el's mom:  I don't know.  I don't know what else to say to her.  I still want her to know that she's taking too many groceries.   Shmulik, what else do you think I should say to her?

 

Li-el's dad:  I don't know either.

 

Their situation reminded me of another story I was told.  It's the story of a young couple who decided they wanted to watch the sunrise.  They got up very early in the morning and stood very still facing the night sky.  There was beautiful, clear, bright sunrise, but they didn't see it.  The next day, they rose earlier and walked briskly toward the night sky.  There was a glorious sun rise, and they missed it.  They were determined to achieve their goal.  So the next day, they rose even earlier, and they ran toward the night sky.   The magnificent sunrise that day eluded them once again.  Clearly they hadn't learned from their mistake.  They repeated it with greater enthusiasm, and got the same dismal result.

 

Had they spoken to themselves, and each other, they might have figured out what to do differently.   G-d willing, next week, I'll tell you what they would've heard.

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.