suggest:
Grey skies are gonna clear up. Put on a happy face.
Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag, and smile, smile, smile.
Okay, now that youâre in a good mood, letâs do some parenting.
What? Youâre not in a good mood? But I told you to be, and I even brought proof
from corny old songs that itâs a good idea to smile and be happy!
Yes, but my skies are still grey and my troubles are too big to fit into my old kit-
bag.
I once saw a poster that said, âDONâT TELL HASHEM HOW BIG YOUR TROUBLES
ARE, TELL YOUR TROUBLES HOW BIG HASHEM IS.â
Yet when the Torah mandates simcha, Chazal teach us that we need physical
soothing and pleasure, in addition to emunah and bitachon, in order to be happy.
Whether it is meat, wine, clothing, or treats, we need something tangible to help
us put aside our ambitions, concerns, and disappointments in order to have some
moments of joyous tranquility.
It is interesting to see that this concept has been applied to secular organizations.
Many organizations wrongly assume that employees dealing with things like
stressful commutes or worrisome family problems can simply check their emotions
at the door. Most can't. But there are steps that both employees and employers can
take to reset the bad moods that compromise job performance.
One important way employees can reset a negative mood on their own is by
creating a so-called intentional transition. That might mean stopping for a coffee,
listening to a favorite piece of music or taking a more scenic route to the office. As
our findings show, it's more than just a feel-good strategyâit can set the stage for
making a better impression at work.
Managers also can give their employees time and space to reduce stress by letting
them socialize and check in with colleagues before getting down to work. To that
end, some management consultants suggest building in five or 10 minutes of
open time at the start of meetings, so employees can share anything that may be
distracting them from focusing on the agenda at hand. Some managers even bring
toys such as squeeze balls and Slinkies to meetings, and encourage people to play
with them to release stress. (Put on a Happy Face. Seriously. Wall Street Journal,
October 24, 2011)
Think of yourself as your childâs manager and your child as though he were
an employee. How would you translate this management message into your
relationship with your child? How can you provide intentional transitions for your
child, and for yourself? When do you create time and space for yourself and for
your child to reduce stress?
Or do you just mandate a better mood. It may seem like a good idea to try to
cheer someone up instead of providing them with time to be sad and work their
way through it at their own pace, not yours.
What could seem more reasonable to relatives and friends than to try to cheer up
a depressed person? But in all likelihood the depressed person not only does not
benefit from this, but sinks deeper into gloom. This then prompts the others to
increase their efforts to make him see the silver lining in every cloud. Guided by
âreasonâ and âcommon sense,â they are unable to see (and the patient is unable
to say) that what their help amounts to is a demand that the patient have certain
feelings (joy, optimism, etc.) and not others (sadness, pessimism, etc.). As a
result what for the patient might originally only have been a temporary sadness
now becomes infused with feelings of failure, badness, and ingratitude toward
those who love him so much and are trying so hard to help him. This then is the
depression-not the original sadness. The pattern can be observed most frequently
in families where the parents so firmly subscribe to the idea that a well brought up
child should be a happy child that they will see a silent imputation in even the most
normal, temporary mood of sadness or crankiness of their child, and the âsadness
equals badnessâ equation is thereby established. The command, âGo to your room
and donât come out until you have a smile on your faceâ is then just one of the
many similar ways in which parents may try to bring about a change. The childâs
mood is now not only one of guilt for being unable to feel what he âshouldâ feel in
order to be acceptable and âgood,â but presumably also one of impotent rage at
what is being done to him-two more feelings which the parents can then add to the
list of those which he should not have. Once this pattern of mishandling a basically
harmless difficulty has been set and has become a habitual expectation, the outside
reinforcement (here the parental attempts at bringing about change) is no longer
necessary. Clinical experience shows that the individual will eventually apply the
depression-engendering âsolutionâ to himself and thereby become fit to be labeled
a patient. (Change: Principles of Problem Formulation and Problem Resolution; Paul
Watzlawick, John H. Weakland, Richard Fisch; pp. 34-35)
Mandating a childâs feelings or mood is not just futile. It is harmful. It leads to
failure badness, an apt description of what happens to a child who fails at meeting
an unrealistic expectation. You can avoid sending your child into this downward
spiral of feeling bad over feeling sad by accepting her sadness as unfortunate, not
bad or unjustified.
Instead of encouraging her towards happy thoughts and optimistic plans, invite
her to tell you what sheâs thinking about and what she wishes she could do. If
she declines your invitation, leave her alone. And make sure she knows youâre
available if she changes her mind.
If you are concerned that the intensity of your childâs feelings is interfering with her
social, academic, or behavioral success, seek professional guidance.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with
specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and
educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be
reached at 718-344-6575.