Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Chaim and Shaindy had a very specific request. They wanted to know how to increase their son's attention span.
They were quite perplexed. They told me that their four-year-old son Mendy has never watched television or played an electronic game. They assumed that since their child had never been exposed to those fast paced, highly stimulating activities, he would be able to stay focused when his mother read to him. They couldn't understand why his mind would wander after his mother had read only four paragraphs of a story he seemed, at first, to enjoy. Mendy would begin to look around the room, and when his mother told him to pay attention, he said he'd rather play, and he ran off to his toys.
What happened then, Shaindy, when Mendy went into the living room to play? What did you say to him?
Nothing. But the next time he asked me to read to him, I told him I would if he would sit still and pay attention. I explained to him that the story is not very long, and I think he is old enough to sit and listen to it, and he said that he would.
Shaindy took only a brief breath; her mouth began to open with the next words she wanted to say, but before the words came out, Chaim interjected:
He always says he'll do what you want him to do, and then when he doesn't do it you don't do anything about it.
What would you like me to do about it?
Tell him if he doesn't sit still until the end of the story he won't get nosh at the Shabbos Oneg.
The last time I told him that, he said, "I don't care!" And when I…
"When you what"? Chaim interrupted. "You just give up and walk away, just like you said, he went to play with his toys in the middle of the story and you didn't say anything about it. How do you expect… "
How do I expect? What do YOU expect? Why don't you try reading to him some time and see how well you do!
I decided it was time to see how well I could do at helping them. I began by changing the tempo and tenor of the conversation. Both of them were speaking rapidly, and when they didn't interrupt each other, they responded with no pause to reflect on what the other person had said. I spoke slowly.
You told me that Mendy has never been exposed to fast paced, highly stimulating activities like TV and video games. I wonder what it's like for him to observe your fast paced conversations, like the one I just saw you having.
Shaindy and I are very careful not to argue in front of him.
I'm sure you don't argue in front of him, and that's very important. But what about your general style of conversation with Shaindy? How does it show Mendy what it looks like to patiently pay close attention and think about what you're hearing? In parshas Ki Savo (27:9) there is a unique expression: "Haaskais" Haaskais is translated as "pay attention." The gemara in Brachos (63b) says Haaskais is a compound word. Haas means to be silent. Kasais means to break into pieces. The Torah Temimah explains that in order to understand something, or someone, you first need to learn "b'menucha u'margoah," in a calm and tranquil state of mind. Only then can you deeply and truly understand; be able see the pieces that make up the whole.
So you really think that Mendy's short attention span is our fault? You believe that because Chaim and I don't always listen to each other carefully and patiently, Mendy has learned to be impatient?
Shaindy, I am not trying to assign fault or to blame you or Chaim for anything. I have no way of knowing how Mendy's attention span got to be the way it is. You asked me to help you increase his attention span, and one way to do that is for you two to consciously show him what it looks like and sounds like to pay attention.
Then I gave the two of them some very specific homework to do.
The next time either of you sits down to read a story to Mendy, I want you to read two paragraphs and then say, "Wow, great listening, Mendy! Let's stop here and G-d willing, later on we'll read some more." What do you imagine is going to happen when you do that Shaindy?
I imagine that Mendy will ask me to read more. What should I do then?
Then, I would like you, Shaindy, to look him in the eye and say, "you can pay attention even longer, Mendy!? Okay, let's read some more." Read another two paragraphs, tell him you want to stop there, and see what happens.
A week later, they told me what happened. Shaindy did exactly what I suggested that she do. After every two paragraphs, Shaindy said they would stop there, Mendy asked her to continue, she told him how wonderfully he was doing at paying attention, and then she read two more paragraphs. This continued until the end of the entire, eight paragraph long, story. Later that evening, when Chaim came home, Shaindy told him, in Mendy's presence, how well Mendy had done at paying attention. It was nice of her to share the nachas and remind Mendy of his success.
I enjoyed the nachas, too. Because when Shaindy and Chaim told me this story, they spoke slowly and took turns, pausing to be sure the other one had completed his or her thought. They had really paid attention, and it made a difference for me, for them, and for their child.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.