Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

I received what I consider the highest compliment a father can receive from his 16 year old son.  At one point during a long trip I asked him if he wanted me to put in a disc to play.  He said, “No, I’d rather talk to you.”

I know and realize how much you have helped me grow and change certain perspectives, especially regarding my relationships with my children.

When I received that letter, I felt tremendous admiration for a man, a father of teenagers, who had the humility to seek help, the willingness to grow and change, and the kindness to express his appreciation.

Many parents ask for “methods” that I can teach them to “get my kids to do” whatever they wish their kids would do.  I do teach methods, but they don’t work unless there is an example to emulate.  The word “method” is derived from the Latin roots meta and hodos which mean to follow a way of traveling.  If you are dismissive and rigid, your child will probably follow you and be just as unyielding.  If you are respectful, your guidance will more likely be heeded. 

Eventually. 

At least you will have followed the methods of our sages rather than abandoning them, ironically, in the service of bringing your child back to them.

Here are some illustrations:

There was once a great Chassidic Rebbe whose son unfortunately did not follow the proper path of the Torah. Eventually his manner of behavior, speech, and dress all reflected his downward spiritual spiral. He did, however, make a point of attending all public functions at which his holy father officiated. The chasidim were very displeased with this and felt it was an affront to the Rebbe to have his son in attendance, considering the very visible spiritual deviation of the son. They did not have the courage to approach the Rebbe with this matter. They held a meeting and decided that an elderly, scholarly chosid should approach the Rebbe as a representative of all his followers to suggest that the Rebbe's son not be allowed to attend tishen, etc.

With trepidation the chosid came to the door of the Rebbe's study and was about to knock when he heard a cry emanate from the room. He heard the Rebbe say, "Hashem, You know how much I suffer from my son's deviating from the proper path, and how much more I suffer when I see him on a constant basis, not looking or acting as a proper Torah-true Jew should. Yet I, a mere human being, don't banish him from my presence. You, Hashem, have endless patience. Why do You exile Your children from Your presence in the Holy Land?" Needless to say, the chosid never brought up the matter with the Rebbe.

In a similar vein, Rebbi Meir of Premishlan explains a gemara Shabbos 89b that explains the verse in Yeshayohu 63:16, "Ki atoh ovinu" with the following story. Hashem approached Avrohom and told him that his children have sinned. Avrohom responded that they should be destroyed and this would create a sanctification of Hashem as everyone would see that transgressors are strongly punished. Hashem then raised this same point to Yaakov and received the same response. He then approached Yitzchok who responded that they are Hashem's children and responsibility as well, and should be forgiven. Yitzchok even took upon himself responsibility for their sins.

It is ironic that Yitzchok who represented "pachad Yitzchok," stringent judgment, was the only one who responded favorably. Why wasn't Avrohom, who was the pillar of mercy, or Yaakov, able to respond as Yitzchok did? Rebbi Meir of Premishlan answers that only Yitzchok was capable of responding favorably in the face of sin, because only Yitzchok kept his wayward son in his presence, in spite of suffering immensely from him, even to the point that he was blinded by the smoke of the incense offered to idol worship in his home by his daughters-in-law.*

*From: CHAMISHOH MI YODEI'A - FIVE QUESTIONS ON THE WEEKLY SEDRAH - PARSHAS TOLDOS 5770 by Zvi Akiva Fleisher; This article is provided as part of Shema Yisrael Torah Network Permission is granted to redistribute electronically or on paper, provided that this notice is included intact.  For information on subscriptions, archives, and other Shema Yisrael Classes, send mail to [email protected]; http://www.shemayisrael.co.il
Jerusalem, Israel

I felt tremendous admiration for a man who had the humility to seek help, the willingness to grow and change, and the kindness to express his appreciation. 

I felt true anguish for the man who informed me that he will not permit his 18 year old daughter Blimie to attend her sister’s vort if she insists on wearing beige tights instead of black.   I wondered if he was concerned that Blimie was planning to dress immodestly.   I asked him what was immodest about beige opaque tights, and he told me there’s nothing immodest about them.

But it’s not what the girls in my family wear, it’s not what the girls in the school we sent them to wear, and I will not let her get away with doing whatever she wants.

He and Blimie haven’t spoken in a long time.  She refuses to speak with him.

I felt anguish for him because he made it clear that it was his way or the highway, and Blimie appears ready to hit the road.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.