Here is an example of a solution that some parents tell their children:

The boys teased you? Ignore them.

If the problem is “teasing,” they assume that the solution is to ignore it.

I’m not assuming it, I know it. When I was a kid and I got teased, I was told to
ignore it, so I did, and after awhile they stopped teasing me.

The first Mishna in Avos teaches hevu m’sunim ba’din, be deliberate in judgment.
If I didn’t know better, I would say to myself, “I am not a dayan so this doesn’t
apply to me,” and skip to the next Mishna.

But I do know better. I know that the Mishna speaks to everyone. It addresses the
universal truth that ever since Adam and Chava ate from the aitz ha-daas tov v’rah
we judge everything. We interpret and evaluate every sight, every sound, every
tactile, olfactory, and gustatory experience.

The very first Mishna in Avos urges us to be m’sunim ba’din, to make our
evaluations and judgments more slowly, to deliberate before deciding. As parents,
we help our children when we show them how to deliberate and think things
through.

Think what through? Do you think it’s enough to consider the possible solutions,
the p’sak? The Mishna doesn’t say hevu m’sunim b’psak. That would mean, think
before answering, think before deciding what to do.

The Mishna is telling us more than that. M’sunim ba’din means to slow down
long enough to understand the situation, the problem, or the question, before
attempting to address it, before thinking about solutions at all.

Here’s an apt description of this distinction: “… make sense of the situation. Often
this sense making entails not so much problem solving as problem finding.” (Shop
Class as Soulcraft, Matthew B. Crawford, page 35, italics in original)

Take the time to think about what’s really bothering you, what’s the problem,
before you try to decide how to solve it.

When something is bothering your child and you want to help him, you have an
additional concern. You need to beware of the “been there, done that” fallacy.

It’s a fallacy because no matter what’s bothering your child, you haven’t been there
and done that.

Another Mishna in Avos says ‘al ta’din es chavercha ad sh’tagea l’mkomo. The
word es sometimes means “with.” Taken that way, this Mishna teaches us not to
join with someone in addressing their concern until we understand their place, their
situation as they perceive it. No matter how well we know their objective situation,
we cannot know their subjective situation until we listen to their story.

When you listen, bear in mind another Mishna in Avos, al t’hi dan yechidi. The Ben
Ish Chai teaches that this means to avoid making assumptions and running with
them. We interpret everything we hear or see. That is our dan yechidi, our first
impression. When your child is telling you the story of what happened to him, be
careful not to jump to conclusions.

If he’s telling me the story of what happened to him, how could it be that I don’t
know what he means, that I could jump to some incorrect conclusion?

Here’s how. Let’s say your child told you that some boys in his class teased him.
The assumption you could make is that the boys said something to your son that
made him feel bad, and had they not teased him, he wouldn’t feel bad. That
assumption may be incorrect. If you were to run with that assumption, you might
lecture your son like this:

“Some children make themselves feel important by saying unkind things to other
children. They don’t really mean what they’re saying; they’re just trying to get
under your skin. They think it’s funny to make somebody feel bad, and they think
they‘re smart cause they figured out how to make you upset. If you just ignore
them they’ll see that it doesn’t work and they’ll stop.”

What’s wrong with telling him that? It worked for me when I got teased as a kid.

I asked this dad what he remembered being teased about.

The boys used to tease me because I brought a lunch box to school instead of a
brown bag. My father said to ignore them, so I did, and they stopped talking about
it.

And what are your son’s classmates teasing him about?

I don’t know. He just said that kids in his class tease him, so I told him to ignore
them because that worked for me.

This parent decided that the rule for teasing is ignore. He’s heard this case before.
He doesn’t need to deliberate, he’s got the solution.

But his solution didn’t solve anything for his son.

I suggested that he invite his child to describe and think through the problem, and
then, if he wants to, explore solutions.

If he wants to? Why would he tell me a problem if he doesn’t want me to tell him
the solution?

Because he wants you to help him to understand the problem. He wants you
to help him think, not think for him. Often, when a child thinks about what’s
bothering him, he can decide how to solve it, or how to leave it alone and live with
it for awhile.

I sat down with my son, just the two of us, after the Friday night seudah. I asked
him if the boys had stopped teasing him. He mumbled something like, “yeah,
somewhat.” I asked him what they were teasing him about. He said it was about
his weight. He said that even when they don’t tease him, it bothers him that he is
overweight.

This dad assumed that his m’kom of being teased, his subjective situation, matched
his son’s. When he let go of this assumption and asked more questions he learned
that the m’komos were not at all similar. Dad was okay with having a lunch box
instead of a brown bag, and his classmates tired of making comments about it. His
son wasn’t okay with his weight, whether his classmates commented on it or not.

Subsequently, this dad told me something very interesting.

He said that when he had given his son a solution, when he had told him to ignore
the boys who teased him, his son had said, “okay, dad,” and he looked unhappy.
When, two weeks later, he listened to his son’s story and then asked his son what
he wished he could do, he son had said, “I’m not sure, but I’m going to think about
it,” and there was a small, hopeful smile on his face.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with
specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and
educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be
reached at 718-344-6575.