Listening is the source of bracha.

Es habracha asher tishma-un.

That is to say, by way of analogy, that a person who has, G-d forbid, some type of illness and he is healed from it, he is always vigilant lest chalila, the malady flare up within him again. So it is, that each person must be vigilant and listen to his internal messages; is he doing Hashem's mitzvos to the best of his ability or has,  God forbid, something improper flared up in him.  This is what is meant by the expression Es habracha asher tishma-un.  It means that it is a bracha to listen carefully to yourself, to reflect on and analyze how well you are doing Hashem's mitzvos to be sure that you are not lacking in your performance of them.  V'haklala im lo tishma-u: this means that klala could result if you don't pay attention to yourselves.  Therefore, every person must be vigilant always and be conscious of himself every moment for this is the source of bracha for himself and for his children forever.

(Noam Elimelech Parshas Re-eh; page 92b in Imrei Shefar edition, 5720)

How carefully do you monitor yourself in different settings?   How careful are you to monitor yourself and reflect on the distinctions you make?  Especially when it means the opportunity for bracha for yourself and your children, or chas v'shalom, klala?

Shimi and Raizy seemed like very mentchlich people.  They spoke softly, they waited for one another to finish speaking, and they looked relaxed.  I asked them what they wanted to talk about.  Raizy began.

Our friends think we are a very put-together couple. We do consider ourselves quite refined and we are generally perceived of as pleasant and easy-going.  So my husband was mortified at what happened last week and that's why we finally agreed that we need to get help, so that's why we're here.

What happened last week that your husband became mortified?

Shimi, why don't you tell him yourself?

Raizy, it was your idea to come here and I agreed, but I really don't want to talk about what happened.  I mean, I do want to talk about what happened but it's really hard to talk about it.  Why don't you tell him and I'll just listen.

Truthfully, Shimi, I don't want to repeat what you said.  If you could say it to our daughter why can't you say it to Rabbi Ackerman?

Because, Raizy, there are things I will say in the privacy of our home that I won't say in public.

I wasn't sure which hashkafic lesson to share with them.  I hadn't even heard what he said to his daughter that he didn't want to repeat to me, yet I already knew that there were some messages from Chazal that might be helpful here.

For example: If there is doubt about whether something is tumei (unfit) and it was found a public place you can be lenient, but if it was found in a private place you have to be stringent.   How does this apply to tumas sifa-sayim, improper speech?  It seems reasonable to me that if something is doubtfully appropriate to say, the laws of tumah imply that we should be more stringent about saying it in the privacy of our home than we are in public.  In other words, if you're not sure that you would say it in public you should be very sure not to say it in private.

One more example.  The words of Michah, v'hatznaya leches im Elokecha, are usually translated "and walk humbly with your L-rd."  (Michah 6:8)  The Ramah, as elucidated by the Mishna Brurah, teaches us an interesting interpretation of these words.  He explains that this can be taken to mean that even when you are b'hatznah, in the privacy of your own home, you should conduct yourself with the self-consciousness that you have in front of others in public, because you are always in the presence of Hashem.  (Orach Chayim, 1, Mishna Brurah 7)

Shivisi Hashem l'negdi tamid, be always aware of Hashem's presence.  When you know you are in Hashem's presence, you become more vigilant.  You listen to yourself, you monitor yourself more carefully.  (Orach Chayim, 1:1)

Before I had the opportunity to share any hashkafic lesson with them, Shimi spoke.

Look, I needed to make a point and that's what I had to say to get her attention to teach her what she needed to learn so that's what I needed to do. I am her father and it's a mitzva on me to teach my daughter so I did.

I asked him gently: What did you say to her?

He didn't answer my question.   I asked him a different one.

Raizy thought you were mortified?  How did that happen?

It happened because right after I yelled at our 11 year old daughter, I went downstairs and saw my machatanim and my married son and his wife standing just inside the front door like they had just come in.  From the look on Raizy's face and theirs I got the impression that they had all heard what I had said upstairs.

So Raizy saw that you were mortified because what you thought you said in private to your 11-year-old daughter turned out to have been said in public.  I don't understand how something that's appropriate for the ears of your 11-year-old daughter could be so inappropriate in front of your extended family and me.

Shimi apparently thought that nival peh was justified in the service of doing the mitzvah of teaching his child.   There is an expression: minuval b'reshus haTorah.  It is not to be taken literally.  The Torah does not condone the use of inappropriate language to teach Torah lessons.  On the contrary.  Listen to yourself carefully. 

Make sure that whenever you speak to your child to guide her in becoming a bas Torah, you speak like a ben Torah.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.