Shock and awe are rare for me these days. Over the course of more than 30 years of working with families, I’ve heard almost everything. But every now and then someone says something to me that leaves me speechless, albeit briefly.

This was about a year ago. I was meeting with a mom who had come to me to talk about her concerns about her 14-year-old daughter. Miri, the mom told me, had lied to her. As I recall, our ensuing conversation went something like this:

What gives you the impression that Miri lied to you?

I know for sure that she lied to me, it’s not an impression. Her teacher called me and said that

MIri hasn’t brought in her homework for a full week. This was three days after I had asked MIri why she wasn’t doing any math homework, and she had said to me that the teacher let them do all of their work in class so she could check it right away.

I see. So the teacher called, and then it was clear that Miri lied and then what happened?

Nothing yet. I came here to ask you how to punish her.

Most of the above dialogue is approximate. Those last 10 words are exactly what she said to me, and I was speechless.

I have often spoken on what I believe is the role of parents. I think the primary role of parents is to help children succeed at meeting their parents’ expectations. I do not believe that it is the role of parents to punish children for failing unless that punishment will result in future success. Much of the time, punishment does not help children succeed; it just helps them get better at hiding their failures so they won’t get punished again.

Miri did lie. What was mom’s reaction? What did mom hope to accomplish by punishing MIri? When we take a very close look at mom’s reaction, we’ll know what mom was hoping to accomplish.

So far, all I knew about mom’s reaction was that she wanted to punish Miri and that so far she hadn’t. I needed more complete and accurate information from mom, who, when I asked her what had happened after the teacher had called, said, “nothing yet.” My impression was that a whole lot had happened for mom, but she hadn’t said anything about it to Miri yet. Impressions are fine as long as you don’t mistake them for certainty. I proceeded to ascertain where mom was up to with this.

And after you got off the phone with the teacher, what did you think about what you had heard?

I thought that Miri lied to me to get out of doing her math homework.

And when you thought that, what was that like for you?

I felt like she was trying to get away with something.

Yes, and when you thought she was trying get away with something, what was that like for you?

Well I really felt that she can’t just ignore homework, and I felt that she should be punished for trying to.

Right, you thought that she should not ignore her homework, and you wanted to punish her for trying to deceive you about her homework. And what was all that like for you, I mean were you disappointed in Miri, resentful that she would try to do something behind your back, worried that she didn’t tell you the truth, angry at her for lying, what was it like for you?

Up until now, mom had been quite animated in our conversation, speaking rapidly and without pause. Now she was silent. I was speechless again but this time out of respect for her, as I waited for her to organize her thoughts and her feelings, and decide what to share with me.

I think at first I was resentful. I took it as an affront that she would lie to me, but now that you made me think about it some more, I feel bad. I wish Miri had come to me when something was bothering her rather than lying to me about it. I know she’s not lazy, she does all her other homework. Why didn’t she tell me that she was having trouble with math, why would she hide that from me?

Those are good questions. What do you think Miri will say to you when you ask her?

I don’t know. I don’t even know how to confront her with the fact that she lied to me.

G-d willing, next week we will see how to express mom’s questions and “confrontation” with Miri.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LHMC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel’s Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.

He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.

Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.