Miri did lie. She told her mother that she hadn’t had any math homework for the past two weeks. When her eighth-grade math teacher called to ask why Miri’s homework hadn’t been completed, Miri’s mother said she would be sure to discuss it with her daughter. First, she discussed it with me.

At first, she said she wasn’t sure how to punish Miri for lying to her, and wanted me to help her figure that out. Over the course of our conversation, mom decided that punishing Miri might not be the most helpful thing to do.

I know she’s not lazy, she does all her other homework. Why didn’t she tell me that she was having trouble with math, why would she hide that from me?

Those are good questions. What do you think Miri will say to you when you ask her?

I don’t know. I don’t even know how to confront her with the fact that she lied to me.

How do you confront a child who lied to you? Equally important, when and where do you confront a child who lied to you, and what’s the single most important question to ask the child?

Let’s do the short answers first, then we’ll elaborate.

How? Gently. When? When you’re calm and not time pressured. Where? Someplace where you will not be interrupted or distracted by anyone or anything.

It may not be that hard to figure out where to go for some private time and to carve out those few minutes. It can be very hard to be gentle and calm when you’re feeling betrayed and aren’t sure whether you should have trusted this child before and can ever trust her again. This mom had not misunderstood anything or jumped to some inaccurate conclusion. She had asked Miri clearly and specifically about the sudden lack of math homework, and Miri told her she didn’t have any. When the teacher called, it became equally clear that there had been math homework. It’s not a matter of interpretation; it’s clear that Miri lied. How can mom ever know how many times Miri has lied before and gotten away with it? And as long as mom doesn’t know, how can mom gently talk with Miri about lying? I wanted mom to think about what she wanted to accomplish given the situation right now.

It sounds like you want Miri to tell you about all the times she has lied to you in the past. If she were to tell you, what would you say to her?

I would tell her that I’m disappointed in her, and that I thought she knew better. I would tell her that she shouldn’t have lied because now I don’t trust her.

And what you think she’ll say to you when you tell her that?

Knowing Miri, she’ll probably say that now that I don’t trust her anyway, why shouldn’t she lie?

And what will you say to her then?

I don’t know. I feel so stuck and confused.

Let’s think about that. Mom says she’s feeling stuck. That means she doesn’t know what to do. There’s a reason for that; the reason is that she’s confused about what she wishes she could accomplish. When you don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish, how can you possibly know what to do? I’m sure mom wishes that Miri had never lied to her in the past. I am equally sure that mom can’t go back in time to undo that. I explained to mom that it might be very helpful for her to express her disappointment and resentment, but to express it in terms of how bad she feels, not how bad Miri is to have lied. Then, I offered mom the single most important question to ask her child.

What do you imagine Miri will say to you when you ask her “Miri, what do you think would’ve happened had you told me the truth?”

I never thought of asking her that. I don’t know what she would say.

That’s fair. Please let me know what she says to you. I think it’ll be very helpful for both of you.

But what if she answers me and I don’t know what to say back to her?

I would suggest that if that happens, you say to her, “Miri I’m not sure what to say to you. Let me think about it and G-d willing we’ll continue our conversation later.”

G-d willing, we’ll continue our exploration of this topic in next week’s article.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LHMC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel’s Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.

He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.

Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.