Miri said that she thought that if she told me the truth, I would criticize her, and that’s why she lied to me; so I said, “and that makes it okay to lie?” And she said, “just like you’re criticizing me right now, that’s why I don’t even try to talk to you, and I wish you wouldn’t try to talk to me.”
After recounting this to me, Miri’s mom looked me in the eye and said, “can’t I ever criticize her when she does something wrong?”
The answer to that question is “yes,” it’s not wrong to criticize a child. And there is a right way to do it.
There’s also a Torah guideline for the ratio of praise to criticism. And, no I did not just change the subject. Praise and criticism are not just opposites, they are actually closely interrelated. For example, when you say to a child, “you did very well on that test, but if you had studied a little more you could have done better,” the critical part of the sentence canceled out the praise that preceded it. That happened because of the word “but” which serves to minimize or eliminate the value of what came before it. The way to give praise and add hope that your child will do even better next time is to say, “you did very well on that test, and if you study a little more you might do even better next time!” Try saying those two sentences out loud and you’ll hear the difference.
The other way in which praise interacts with criticism has to do with the title of this series of articles, “Noteworthy Children.” When you criticize a child, even in a constructive manner, you are pointing out something that you wish the child would do better than she did it last time. There are two different ways your child can interpret that. One is to say to herself, “I am still not good enough.” The other is to say to herself, “I am good and my father would like me to do even better next time.” How do you know which one of those your child is going to be thinking?
Rashi points out that the correct ratio of praise to criticism is 500 to 1. Every time you praise your child, you inform him that he does things well. When you criticize him, you imply that he sometimes does not do things as well as you wish he would. On your child’s internal balance sheet, each praise is added to his asset list, and every criticism is recorded as a liability. If you criticize him more often then you praise him, his balance sheet shows a net liability. You can’t see his balance sheet, but you can see his look of discouragement and apprehension when you begin to say something to him because he’s afraid he’s going to get criticized again. If you praise him more often than you criticize him, he has a safety net of assets which serve as a cushion against the pain of failure. The higher the ratio of praise to criticism that he has experienced from you, the larger and stronger that cushion will be. The child in whom you have built has a strong cushion of praise will hear criticism as a way to do even better next time, not another reminder of how poorly his usually does.
Now that we have seen the value of praise, you’ll understand why I was as prescriptive with Miri’s mom as I was.
I think Miri finds it very painful when you criticize her, and that does not mean that it not okay for you to ever criticize her. I want you to help Miri become less uncomfortable with your criticism and the way to do that is to praise her more often. I would like you to buy a notebook, and on the cover I want you to write, “Miri’s Nachas Notebook.” Over the course of the coming week I want you to notice at least two things that Miri does or says that you can perceive as successful. Each time Miri does something well, I want you to praise her by saying, “you did that really well,” or “Miri that was so very thoughtful of you.” Sometimes, be more specific. Say, “you set the table for Shabbos really nicely!” Each time you notice and acknowledge her success, I want you to write in Miri’s Nachas Notebook what she did that was a success and how you acknowledged her success to her. What do you think about that?
I think Miri is going to make a face like she thinks it’s weird.
Okay, I would like you to tolerate that and continue to praise Miri and record the nachas notes in her notebook.
One week later:
I really thought Miri didn’t like my praising her and writing down her successes in the Nachas Notebook that she insisted that I show her. She rolled her eyes on Monday, and sighed loudly on Tuesday, so on Wednesday and Thursday when I acknowledged some things that she did, I didn’t write anything down. On Friday, Miri gave me a shy smile, and said, “mom, you’re not writing notes about me anymore? It was actually kind of nice.”
I’ve learned that most children (and adults), even 13-year-olds like Miri, enjoy being noteworthy.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LHMC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel’s Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.