Parenting With Rabbi Ackerman

Parents spend a lot of time preparing their home for Pesach. I hope you will also spend time preparing your children for Pesach.

How do you pique your child’s interest in a discussion about Pesach? I suggest that you ask your child what it’s like to be bossed around all the time, made to do things you don’t want to do and that are too hard for you. He probably knows what that’s like. Then ask him what it’s like when he finally gets to do whatever he feels like doing. If he says “that has never happened,” don’t argue or give examples of when you think it did happen. Accept his perception of reality and ask him what he would do if that did ever happen. Then ask him what happens when you get to do whatever you want but there are no rules; how do you know how to play, how to get along, what works best to get the things you want?

Now you can say, “the Yidden in Mitzrayim were bossed around all the time, made to do things they didn’t want to do and that were too hard for them. Then Hashem freed them and they needed to know what to do with all that freedom and this is why Hashem gave us the Torah, so we’d know what to do when we have freedom and choices.”

I hope your children don’t perceive of the time they spend in school as “slavery.”   School, nonetheless, provides them structured time with specific places to be and things to do. They now have all this “freedom” from school, and they may not know what to do with it or where you wish they’d do it.

The timing is awful. Just when you’re at your busiest with all of the cleaning, shopping, and cooking, that’s when your children are off from school, seeking your attention. Even when (or should I say “if”) your work is done for the day, you’re exhausted and find it hard to be available to your children.

Your children have much more time on their hands just when you have even less time for them. It’s a recipe for failure, unless you plan for success. Here’s how.

Sit down with each of your children in advance. Expect to spend between five to ten minutes with each child. That’s really all you and they need to make some plans.

Sit down in a quiet, calm place with each child. One child at a time.

Explain that there will be times while there’s no school that you won’t be available to spend time with her. Tell her what you would like her to help you with, when, and for how long. It is even better if you can give her some choices.

I think Rena enjoys setting the table but she doesn’t like to help with cleaning. Benji loves vacuuming; I think he likes the noise. Should I switch the jobs, giving each one the job the other one prefers, so they’ll learn to do things that are harder for them?

That would be a better re-creation of the avdus we suffered in mitzrayim, but I don’t think it’s necessary. It isn’t necessary because your child spends plenty of time doing things that are hard for him, e.g. standing silently in line, sitting quietly in a seat, answering a question in front of a lot of people when he is afraid he’s going to get it wrong so he hadn’t raised his hand, and many other things your child could tell you if you asked him, “what things are hard for you?”

After you’ve discussed the tasks you’d like help with, ask her what activities she would like to do when you’re not available to spend time with her. With whom would she like to spend time, who can make the arrangements, what books, games, crafts, and equipment will help her stay busy while you’re unusually busy.

Remember that planning activities is better done with children rather than for them.

Even after careful planning for a calm Pesach preparation session, a child may want your attention. When you perceive this as “misbehavior,” you might become angry. Coping with anger during Pesach preparations is addressed in HaSeder HaAruch:

A person must know that anger and harsh rebuke are always forbidden. “Anyone who becomes angry is considered as though he had committed idolatry.” (Rambam hilchos daos 2:3 based on Talmud Shabbos 105b) Just as we must guard against chometz when baking matza, so must we guard against anger lest our matza be a mitzva haba b’aveira. (chapter 24 paragraph 6, my translation)

The Sefer HaChinuch (mitzva 16) writes that our thoughts and feelings are influenced by our actions. The actions we perform in the fulfillment of mitzvos are designed to focus our thoughts and stimulate our feelings.   When we engage in mitzvos that remind us of the kindnesses and wonders that Hashem has done for us, we feel grateful and we realize that it is appropriate to express appreciation. Thus the activities we perform at the Seder naturally lead us to the thoughts and feelings we express in Hallel. The Chinuch writes this in the course of his discussion of the commandment not to break any bone of the korban Pesaach. There is another context in which breaking something is significant.

I mentioned that the Rambam describes someone behaving angrily as being tantamount to worshipping an idol. The gemara, however, equates anger with idolatry only when, in expressing the anger, the person breaks a vessel. Why doesn’t the Rambam record this distinction? HaSeder HaAruch posits that the Rambam wants to teach us that anger can cause breakage insidiously, even when the damage isn’t immediately evident.

When you speak to your child angrily, you risk damage to that vessel that is the soul of your child; damage that may not be evident, but is painful just the same.

Every couple of hours, while you’re preparing for Pesach, sit down with your child for just a minute or two. Smile and say, “hi, how are you doing?” The bracha for you and your child in those few moments may not be evident, but it is real just the same.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.