Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. Winston Churchill

It takes courage to be a parent; both the courage to speak to your children and the courage to listen to them.

What can make it difficult to speak to your child, why would it require courage? Here is a profile in parenting that illustrates how this can happen.

Whenever I ask my four-year-old to clear his plate and napkin from the table he immediately has a tantrum. I can’t understand what is the big deal that I’m asking of him, and even if he just doesn’t want to do it, why is it necessary to have a tantrum over it? I no longer ask him to clear his plate and napkin. I just do it myself, but then my husband criticizes me for giving in to him. I know my husband is right, but I’m so afraid of these tantrums I do whatever I can to avoid them.

Many parents wish they could figure out how to prevent or stop a tantrum. Usually, the only way to prevent a tantrum is to give in to what the child wants. If giving in is an appropriate option why say no to begin with? If giving in is not an appropriate option you need the courage to withstand the tantrum. In the case I described, it takes the courage to say what you want, even though you are pretty sure you’re going to trigger a tantrum, rather than being intimidated by the impending tantrum.

How do you stop a tantrum? Some parents have found that they can stop a tantrum by screaming louder than their child or hitting him. These are the parents who become intensely upset when their child screams at or hits his sibling to make his sibling stop doing something he doesn’t like. To paraphrase Hillel, “that which you don’t want your child to do unto others, don’t do unto him.”

So what is the right way to stop a tantrum? There is no good way to stop a tantrum once it is in progress. You need the courage to withstand it, the courage to stand up and say what you want this child to do in order to earn your attention, and the courage to accept the fact that for the next few or maybe not so few minutes this child will be having a tantrum.

What do you say to him, and how do you say it? You need not yell over him. Maintain a modulated voice and say to him, “when you can speak to me softly, please come and tell me.” Say that only one time per tantrum. It doesn’t matter what happened that he is having a tantrum over, your words remain exactly the same: “when you can speak to me softly, please come and tell me.”

And while I’m waiting for him to come over to me and speak to me softly I should just ignore him?

I don’t think it’s possible to ignore a child who is having a tantrum. Since you can’t stop a tantrum once it has begun, and you can’t ignore it, your only alternative is to be sovail it, to tolerate it. That takes the courage to accept your limitations and trust that this too shall pass.

When do you need courage to sit down and listen? When your child seems sad or lonely, confused, anxious, or somehow not quite herself and you can’t even describe it; she just doesn’t seem “right.”

My daughter seemed anxious about starting high school. I told her that was normal and that I was sure that after a few weeks at most she would get into the routine and become fine with it, but she didn’t. I’ve explained to her that some girls take longer to adjust to a new situation than others, and that I’m sure she’ll be feeling better very soon. The problem is that I have been saying that to her for almost a month now and she isn’t any better, but I’m afraid to ask her what’s happening to her, because if she tells me I won’t know what to do to help her.

It takes courage to risk failing. You really might fail at helping her way you think you need to help her. You might not have a solution that will make everything or even anything better for her. What we tend to forget is the power of our caring; the soothing value of listening to someone’s pain even when we can’t solve their problem.

Invite your child to express her pain in greater detail. Ask her:

What happened?

What was it like for you when it happened?

What do you wish you could do?

Who do you wish would help you?

Express sympathy by saying that you feel bad for her that she is having a difficult time.

Express empathy by saying that she sounds sad, discouraged, disappointed, and any other feelings you think she might be experiencing.

Remember, sympathy is expressing your feelings as you listen to your child.

Empathy is your expressing to her the feelings she seems to be describing. It’s what it’s like for her, not what it would be like for you if you were in that situation.

Parenting does take courage, the courage to be firm yet tolerant when you work with a child who is behaving poorly, and the courage to hear a child’s pain when you can’t make it go away. In both of these situations, your confident and caring presence makes a bigger difference than you may realize.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.