Osios machkimos, written words make us smarter.
Helping your child become smarter at expressing himself when he is upset is one of the most valuable investments of your time. And the most effective form of expression is the written word… even for toddlers.
Sound strange? It did to author Heather Shumaker, too. She wrote, “I admit it. At first it does feel mighty odd to reach for a pen and paper when your child is screaming mad or wailing with heartache. Taking dictation from a two-year-old is not second nature. But it works – with kids of many ages.” (It’s Okay Not to Share, page 100)
But how do you do it? How do you translate a toddler’s screams into written words that belong to him, not your version of what is happening. Shumaker lists ten steps that will help your child learn to express himself more calmly and effectively. I have adapted and elucidated them as follows:
1. Tell your child that you’re going to write a letter from them to you describing how they feel. For very young children you can begin the letter with a drawing of your child looking sad or angry. You might begin the letter for your child, but invite her to describe her thoughts and feelings rather than guessing at them unless you need to because she is reluctant or unsure of what to say.
2. When you write the letter, use your child’s words even if they are silly made-up terms. Accept both her words and the feelings they convey. As you listen and write, try to remember that your child’s feelings are very intense, but also very temporary. Don’t say, “You don’t really mean that.” She does. But she won’t for long.
3. Repeat each sentence out loud as you are writing, and when you finish the letter, read all of it out loud from beginning to end. He may ask you to read it again. It’s worth the time to do it. He is learning a new process; be patient with him.
4. When you have finished reading and re-reading the letter, ask your child to write his name on the letter. The scribble may be unintelligible but it gives your child a stronger sense of ownership.
5. If the letter is about something that the child wants, make it clear to her that the letter will not make it happen. If she wants you to stay home rather than going to a chasunah, explain clearly that the letter is a way for her to tell you how disappointed or angry or sad she is, not a way to get you to stay home with her. If she has been wishing that her brother would stop teasing her, make sure she understands that the letter won’t make him stop, but it will help her talk about what it is like for her and how she can cope with it a little better.
6. Help her clarify who he’s upset with. Write the letter to that person. If that person is you, do not defend yourself even if you disagree with his perception of the situation or you think he is being unreasonable. This is not the time for reasoning. It is the time for unconditional listening, and your ability to tolerate his resentment will help him work his way through it. Resenting him in return will only cause escalation in both of you, making matters worse.
7. When the letter is written and has been read, ask your child where she would like to put it. She may wish to craft a mailbox to put letters into, or just create an imaginary one. She may want to put it in a public place. If you think her thoughts and feelings would be inappropriate on your refrigerator, ask her to identify an alternative location that would be acceptable to you. You could also ask her who it is that she would like to read or see the letter and show it to them directly rather than posting it publicly.
8. If the letter is an angry letter directed at you, try to feel the love. If you didn’t matter to him so very much, he wouldn’t get that angry at you. Empathy can help you here, too. The more you are able to focus on what is happening to him, the less will happen to you. Try to understand how upset he is rather than trying to convince him not to be.
9. Don’t use electronics; use paper and pencils or crayons or markers. Move yourself into your child’s world even though it is slower and messier. Neatness doesn’t count. Feelings are messy. Let your child experience them that way and learn not to be scared by that. Yes, his has lost control of his emotions. He’ll regain it, and your ability to tolerate his loss of control will help him regain it sooner than if you anxiously and frantically try to put him under control.
10. If the letter contains a plan or agreement of some kind, be sure to follow through. If you child forgets and doesn’t bring it up, you bring it up even if you’re tempted not to because it would be more convenient for you to leave it forgotten. Some day your child just might remember it, and wonder why you didn’t remind him. More important, when you do choose to remind him promptly, you show him that your plans and commitments to him are real, and you build trust.
Never write off a child’s feelings with words like:
It’ll be okay, now stop crying.
Or
You don’t really feel that way.
Write them down, instead.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.