René Descartes, in Principles of Philosophy, wrote: Cogito, ergo sum, "I think, therefore I am."

That’s a good start. “Therefore I am.” Therefore you are, what? It gets more interesting when you realize that what you think and how you think can affect who you are, what you feel, and the way you behave.

If I think that a lion is 20 feet away from me and it could leap from where it is standing to where I am standing, I will be terrified and I will freeze in fear or run in a desperate attempt to escape. If, instead, I think that a lion is 20 feet away from me and I know that the zoo was laid out in such a way that it appears 20 feet away yet it cannot come near me, I will be fascinated, and I will stand still pondering how they created that three-dimensional optical illusion.

Does it seem to you that many of your child’s thoughts are illusions? Does she become angry at an imagined slight, fearful of a harmless adversary, or deeply sad at a minor disappointment? How can you get her to think more accurately so that her feelings will be less intense, and her behaviors more modulated? How do you teach her to cultivate more objective observation of events and to give less credence to her initial impressions?

Batsheva’s mother Ruthie put the question this way:

What method do you recommend when a child overreacts to things, gets all wound up over nothing?

My answer was concise.

Empathy.

I find empathy to be a good place to start. Most parents are able to remember a time when they reacted to something as though it were a larger issue than it really was, objectively. But they weren’t being objective, their thinking was not accurate, and they allowed the emotions triggered by their initial impressions to drive their behavioral reactions, usually in an unhelpful direction.

Clinically, we use the term psychotic to describe thoughts that stem from inaccurate beliefs, or delusions. Here is a broader use of the term.

“Why are we so amazed by the fantasy thoughts of a psychotic, wondering how such craziness enters the human mind? Why are we not equally amazed by our own delusions, which are sometimes no less than the psychotic’s?

“This is because each of us has one or several emotional weak points where we still have not matured: self-indulgence…temper tantrums…ego-pride…Whatever it is, each one of us, in that area, has such irrational thoughts that only a born psychotic could entertain them. But we, sophisticated savants that we are, who become enraged at the slightest affront to our intelligence, are unaware of our own fantasy thoughts and entertain psychotic thinking.

“Take for example someone who is stuck in ego-pride. Everything he does or says will activate some or many thoughts of ego-pride: ”How clever what I just said,” or “How nice what I just did,” or “How so-and-so will envy me” or “Everyone will talk about me and give me my due honor.” Even if what he said or did was said or done in his own privacy, nevertheless his thoughts will still be there. And after all is said and done, his actions may have been not only not clever but even foolish. So this is the intelligent, rational being who now prides himself in foolish action? And what kind of delusive thinking is it to weave up illusory conversations of others who have nothing to discuss, because they did not see his actions? The only explanation is that as far as his ego-pride is concerned, he is psychotic-no matter how intelligent and genius he may be in all other matters. Such is the case with ego-pride, but the “rational” mind has similar delusions for self-indulgence, temper tantrums, or whatever.

“And what advice can we give to the human being who seeks therapy for his psychosis? The hard truth is there is no complete cure that will keep every unsound thought from rising to mind, but at least you can reduce the insanity of these thoughts and keep their appearance to a minimum. The way to do this is through heightened self-awareness.

“Train yourself to watch every thought that comes to mind; pay attention to all your inner self-talk. Listen to what these inner voices are saying, especially those surrounding your emotional weak points.

“At the beginning this very introspection will be with crooked vision, deluding ourselves how clever our thoughts are. But with perseverance, by the tenth time we will clearly see how irrational our thinking is and be shocked by how our sophisticated minds ever entertained such delusions. Our deified intellect will then lose its status and become an object of laughter for us. Never again will we blindly trust our mind and rely on its rationality.

“These two perspectives – objective vision and loss of credence- are necessary to reach our objective. As long as my thoughts are ideal in my eyes and my thinking is for me infallible, introspection will not help because in my heart I am saying how sound and straight are my thought patterns. I will not look with detached, objective vision. But after several times of experiencing our own psychosis, after laughing at our insane thoughts, we will be able to spot one the next time it comes and be able to correct it.”

The above paragraphs are taken from the diary of the Peasetzna Rebbe, Rav Kalonymous Kalman Shapira, HY”D. (To Heal The Soul, Pages 92-93)

Batsheva’s mother Ruthie asked:

What method do you recommend when a child overreacts to things, gets all wound up over nothing?

The answer begins with empathy, the willingness to accept Batsheva’s illusory thinking instead of challenging it.

Gently ask her to share her self-talk with you. “With perseverance, by the tenth time,” though it may take even longer, you will eventually hear Batsheva begin to think more objectively, lose her credence in the initial conclusions she jumps to, and slow down enough to spot her irrational thoughts and correct them. You will be giving her the opportunity to practice thinking more rationally, and you’ll be healing her soul.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.