What is so hard about sharing?

Nothing, if sharing means having something, deciding to let someone else have it
for awhile, and then getting it back intact.

For young children, sometimes for teenagers, and sometimes for adults, that’s not
the way sharing works, and then it’s hard.

Let’s start with adults.

We were planning a trip to Eretz Yisrael for my niece’s wedding. My aunt in Bnai
Brak wanted us to spend Shabbos with her so we could spend more time with her
side of the family, but I wanted to visit with her for just one day during the week,
and spend Shabbos with my cousins in the Old City.

What does this dilemma have to do with sharing? It’s about sharing time with
different people who want different shares. In this situation, Menachem and his
family had 6 days in Eretz Yisrael and he was asked to share his time in ways he
didn’t want to. Menachem could either share more time with his aunt, or keep it for
himself to use elsewhere.

When you share time, you never get it back. Many adults find this type of sharing
hard because someone ends up resentful. Menacham may decide to allocate less of
his time to his aunt than she had hoped for. When she is able to accept his choice
with disappointment rather than resentment, she will make it easier for him to
share his time with her.

Teenagers are asked to share something that they don’t need to get back; they can
share it and have it at the same time, and it’s still hard. They’re asked to share
their thoughts.

I wish my parents would stop asking me …

You can finish the sentence in countless ways.

The concern that many teenagers have is that they won’t get their thoughts
returned to them intact. They fear that the thoughts they share will be returned
pockmarked with criticism, or even ridicule.

Parents should ask their teen questions; they need to know what is going on in
their child’s life. Teenagers do share their thoughts when they trust their parents
to express interest and concern rather than disdain.

Sharing may be even harder for children than for adults or teens.

Children are expected to share their time; time they too, will never get back.
They’re expected to share their time with teachers, parents, siblings, chores,
homework, and their bed. They’d often rather be spending their time playing. That
doesn’t mean it’s okay for children to decide how to manage their time. It does
mean that it’s hard for them to share it, just as it is for adults.

Children are expected to share their thoughts and feelings. They become reluctant
if their shared thoughts are belittled, their feelings challenged. This makes sharing
their thoughts and feelings hard, just as it is for teens.

There’s another kind of sharing. This kind of sharing is harder for children to do
than it is for adults or for teenagers. It’s sharing their things, their possessions.
It’s harder for children to share their stuff.

Here’s why that is.

For teenagers and adults, sharing a physical possession is a choice. When you own
something, you can choose to share it, or choose not to.

For children, sharing is often a mandate. If your child cannot choose not to share
something, what does it mean to own it? Ownership is important to children. As
a parent, your ability to teach a child’s siblings to tolerate frustration and develop
patience is as important as teaching a child that some things really do belong to
him.

The pitfalls of imposed sharing go beyond the denial of ownership.

I told Feivish that he had played with that toy long enough and it was time to share
it with Benzi. He clutched it to his chest and ran to the corner. I walked over to
him and took it from him, gently telling him that he is a big boy now and it is a
mitzvah to let someone else have a turn. I gave it to Benzi. Three minutes later,
Benzi shrieked. I ran over and asked Feivish why Benzi was shrieking. He said that
he had told Benzi that he’d had the toy long enough now, and it is a mitzvah to let
someone else have a turn, so he’d pulled it out of Benzi’s hand.

It may be a mitzvah to choose to let someone else have a turn. But this dad
illustrated a different concept: kall d’alim g’var, whoever is stronger wins.

Another outcome of forced sharing sounds this:

Mom: You finished your broccoli this quickly?

Peshi: No, I gave some to Shmuli so I could have the mitzvah of sharing.

Mom: What do you mean? I expect you to eat your vegetables, not give them to
your brother. He has his own.

Peshi: But you said I had to give him some of the candy I won from the raffle
because it’s a mitzvah to share.

You want to explain the difference to Peshi? It’s hard for her to understand.

Here’s what Peshi understands:

R. Zera taught: One should not give his lulav to a child on the first day of Succos
because a child can acquire possession but cannot give possession. [The man]
would then be using a lulav which is not his. (Sukkah 46b)

No one ever taught that gemara to Peshi. Children know it intuitively. What
parents describe as sharing, children see as risking giving something away and
never getting it back, or getting it back broken. What’s truly impressive is that
most children are willing to share when you step back and let them instead of
forcing them.

Here is one of my favorite scenes of childhood: watching a three-year-old rush up
to another child and joyfully hand over a toy. Not just any toy. The same toy these
two kids were competing over a few short minutes ago. The same toy this three-
year-old had clutched to his chest and refused to be parted from. What’s more, the
toy is offered up without any parental prompting. Suddenly everyone is all smiles.

Fantasy? I see it happen all the time. By protecting your child’s right to play with
the toy until he is all done, by building trust together so your child knows he can
count on you to protect his rights, and by coaching him to tell the other child when
he’s all done, you can witness this joyous scene of true generosity.

Almost any young child can do it. Why not yours?

(It’s OK NOT to Share; Heather Shumaker; pp. 115-116)

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with
specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and
educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be
reached at 718-344-6575.