I am your daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend...
I am a teenager studying in a [mainstream] High School in [city name].
I am writing this article in the first person for I feel so deeply about this issue. Watching & hearing friends, relatives, & peers struggling with some or all these feelings I felt compelled to write about it.
Have you ever walked down the street and seen a teenage boy or girl from a family that you may know dressed in an inappropriate manner? Perhaps acting in a non-frum way? Have you talked about a friend's child that went "off'?
Have you any inkling of how they ended up here?
I will try to explain.
Imagine the seventh or eighth grader who is normally unobtrusive & on the quiet side finally works up the courage to raise her hand in Navi class and asks "But if we have Bechira, how does Hashem decide everything on Rosh Hashanah?"
The teacher explodes in a fury of words telling the girl how such questions were Apikorsis and anyone asking such a question was an Apikores. The once pale student becomes redder than a crayon. She lowers her eyes and tries to ignore the snickers of her classmates wishing she were back home alone in her room.
But, her embarrassment soon turns to anger and then ferociousness at the teacher who dared to shame her in front of her class.
Not possible you say? Unfortunately, such situations are not uncommon, and the victims of these scenarios are my friends and peers. More often than not, they end up feeling wounded and worthless and these feelings frequently lead to behavioral problems.
The eloquent young woman who wrote those poignant and painful reflections gave me permission to share her thoughts with my readers. I chose to omit identifying information about her school and community, not only to protect her identity, but also because what she describes has happened in many schools and many communities. It wasnât always this way.
The very first young woman who asked her teacher a challenging question was Rivka Imeinu, AâH.
Our matriarch Rivka could not understand why the pregnancy she and Yitzchak Aveinu AâH had davened for so fervently was so painful. We might imagine that given the extraordinarily high spiritual plane on which she lived, she would have said to herself, âthis is the will of G-d; I must accept it without question.â But thatâs not what happened. Rivka did have a question. She didnât chide herself for having a question and shamefully keep her question to herself. She trusted that if she went to a teacher, she might get an answer to her question and she surely wouldnât be harshly criticized for daring to ask.
There are many good reasons to not answer a childâs question. Perhaps there isnât enough time to answer the question adequately, and to answer it incompletely might leave the child even more confused. It may be that the answer would lead to a discussion that would break the flow of the teacherâs presentation. It could be that the childâs question is vague. I would think that in these situations a parent, or a teacher, would say to the child that they donât have time right now to address the question adequately, or that they donât want to address that topic right now, or that they would like the child to make the question more precise. I think they would express that to the child calmly and gently.
So there must be some other reason for not answering a childâs question. A reason that can trigger an explosive fury of words rendering a child embarrassed and shamed. A reason that justifies leaving a child feeling wounded and worthless.
What could justify causing a once pale student to become redder than a crayon? Why do parents and teachers do this to children? All too often, as in the example above, an adult who is too embarrassed to admit she doesnât know the answer to a childâs question will embarrass the child for asking.
That may be an aveira as severe as murder or idolatry.
The aveira is to be malbin pnei chaveiro bârabbim, which literally translated means to cause someoneâs face to turn white. When someone is feeling shame, we usually see them turn red, not white. The explanation is that you notice the whiteness before and after the redness during their intense shame. We know the severity of the prohibition of malbin pnei chaveiro. But what about the term chaveiro? Does this limit the prohibition to peers or superiors? What is the scope of the prohibition, to whom does it apply?
I have heard the opinion that shaming a child can be an appropriate technique of chinuch. However, Rav Pam, ztâzl wrote the following (my translation of Atara LaMelech, pg. 90):
There is no more permission for parents or teachers [to cause a child to feel shame] than for anyone else, unless it is for the purpose of chinuch or musar for the good of the child. But it is far more common that the damage caused by this is greater than the benefit. [emphasis mine]
Rav Pam adds that because of the magnitude of the issue, careful deliberation and tranquility must precede a parent or teacherâs words to a child.
And here are the words of Rav Shteinman, Shlita, as recorded by his talmidim: (Mizekainim Etbonan, page 39)
We are anguished by the difficulties so many have in shidduchim. Many young women serve as teachers. A teacher of young children finds it extremely difficult not to sometimes err in hurting or insulting a student. [The laws of conduct] bain adam lâchaveiro are very stringent. Who knows if this isnât the reason that she hasnât found her zivug⦠Hashem yishmarenu.
The antidote to humiliation is humility. When you have the humility to say, âThatâs a very interesting question, and I donât know the answer; letâs look into itâ you will earn far more respect than you do by disrespecting the question or the questioner.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Menâs and womenâs groups now available. Call for details.