Where do you get stuck?  At the kiddush, on the phone, at a vort, at a wedding, on the street, in the store?  How often do you find yourself stuck in a conversation that you’d like to conclude but you don’t want to be rude?  How does your courtesy towards the person you’re unwilling or unable to interrupt affect other people in your life who, ostensibly, are more important to you?

I knew that Mendy was waiting for me to help him with his homework, but my brother-in-law had given my number to his friend and he had called me for advice about an issue that was very important to him, and it was taking him quite a while to explain the whole situation to me.  What was I supposed to do?  I was stuck.

How did this dad’s courtesy to his brother-in-law’s friend affect Mendy who was waiting for help with his homework?

And what about this mom:

I told the children that I would read to them in their beds as soon as I got home from the vort.  It was only a block and a half away, and I intended to be there for no more than 10 minutes.  I didn’t get home until 45 minutes later.  A good friend of mine was telling me how excited she was that her daughter had been accepted to her first choice seminary.  I couldn’t just interrupt her; what was I supposed to do?  I was stuck.

How did this mom’s courtesy to her friend affect her children who were in their beds waiting for her?

What I want you to realize is that your courtesy to someone may be entirely appropriate.  And it sometimes creates a discourtesy to someone else, often your child.

That’s all true.  I understand that, but you’re not helping me.  What am I supposed to do?  You put me in a bind.  You’re telling me that when I’m being courteous to someone who’s talking with me I’m being discourteous to someone else who is waiting for me.  There’s always somebody else waiting for me!  So what am I supposed to do?

First, let’s dispense with a couple of words that I don’t think are accurate.  I don’t like the words supposed to because I don’t know who makes these rules.  Supposed to according to whom?  I’d rather you take responsibility for choosing what you think is more appropriate rather than dodging responsibility by saying, “well, this is what I was supposed to do, so that’s why I did it.”

Take responsibility for making a choice.  Your choices are to be discourteous to one person or discourteous to someone else.  Obviously, you’re not going to be rude or curt, but you are going to disappoint somebody and they may perceive that as discourteous to them; that’s the bind you are in.  You can untie yourself out of that bind by reminding yourself that sometimes people are disappointed in one another and they get over it and life goes on.

You may be willing to tolerate someone’s disappointment when you don’t want to continue a conversation and still not know how to express yourself in a way that isn’t curt or rude.  You’ve made your choice, but you don’t know how to extricate yourself from the conversation.

Here are some of the ways to express your choice to end or postpone the rest of a conversation:

 I need to go now.  I hope we’ll get to talk again, soon.

I would like to hear more, but right now my son is waiting for me to work with him on his homework.  When can we continue this conversation?

I’m really sorry to cut you off, but my children are waiting for their bedtime reading with me; maybe we’ll get to talk some more later.

Are you brushing them off?  That may be their perception whether you mean it that way or not.

I have been on the receiving end of a “brush-off.”  No matter how delicately and tactfully it is expressed, the message still remains: I’d rather speak with someone else or do something else rather than converse with you any longer right now.  Did I feel bad?  A bit, yes.  Momentarily, not for long.  I thought about it and realized that he wanted to spend time with someone else and I could, too.  My choices were to feel sorry for myself and sulk in a corner or to move on and enjoy someone else’s company.

It would seem that the obvious choice is to move on.  Here’s what can make that hard: If I interpret the “brush-off” to mean that I’m not worthy of someone else’s attention, I’ll be afraid to seek a new conversation partner lest I be rejected again.  But if I interpret the “brush-off” as someone’s choosing to spend time with someone else even though he enjoyed speaking with me, I can confidently look for someone else who will enjoy my company for awhile.  You can’t prevent that initial feeling of being brushed off, but you can think about how you interpret it and what you decide to do next.

It’s what you do first to end or postpone a conversation that may be the hardest.  We all know the expression, “I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.”  I’m not sure which part of a word is the edge, but I do get edgy sometimes when I can’t find an end point, or even a comma, in some people’s discourses.  How do I insert my request for termination or adjournment when they don’t leave me an opening?

This is hard, because you’re going to think you’re being rude and feel uncomfortable, but sometimes you just have to interrupt.  The alternative is to remain stuck.  It really is up to you.

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575