Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
What do you do when you've explained something, made it perfectly clear; you're quite sure that what you've explained is reasonable and appropriate, but they talk back to you?
That's exactly that happened to me, recently. At first, I was exasperated. "How am I supposed to deal with this," I wondered aloud, which I could get away with because everybody assumes I'm talking to somebody on my cell phone. Then I got a little nervous. I started to wonder if maybe something in my logic or presentation was not quite right. "That would be really awful if I wrote something that wasn't entirely correct for every situation," I fretted, this time keeping my thoughts inside of my head. I had no idea what to do, and I have learned that when that happens, the best thing to do is what my wife suggested to me a long time ago when I matter-of-factly informed her that I was completely stuck and had no idea what to do. She calmly looked at me and said, "What would you say to someone who walked into your office, described the situation that you're describing now, and said "I don't know what to do?"
I know what I would say to them. I say it very often. "What do you wish you could do? What would you like to see happen?"
The "backtalk" I'm referring to right now didn't come from children. It came from you, my dear readers. How am I going to deal with you and your comments? How am I going to deal with my exasperation and nervousness? I'm not going to deal with you or with me. I'm going to help me and then see if I can help you to understand my point of view.
You're invited to listen in on my self-talk:
What are you so exasperated about? Did you think that everyone would understand everything you wrote, the first time you tried to express it? And what if some people understand it and don't agree. What's so exasperating? And to be nervous about replying? What's the frightening outcome here that's to be so nervous about? I'll explain it over again, or in a different way, and some of my readers still won't agree with me; and then what'll happen? Am I positive the world will come to an end?
You'll be relieved to know that I decided that if some of you don't always agree with me, the world will probably not come to an end. Having figured that out, I'm no longer exasperated and nervous about responding to you. Now that I helped myself, I can attempt to help you by addressing some of your thoughts, comments, and questions.
You wrote:
I think there has to be a time where the parent says, "Listen kid, just cut the garbage."
If that, in the long term, were helpful (meaning that the child never made the same mistake again) I might consider saying it, albeit a bit more gently. However, I've found that even when it puts a stop to an undesirable behavior temporarily, worse behavior takes its place. That may be partially "pay back," and partially because you didn't ask your child what seems to be hard for them, so you don't know what's getting in their way. And I'm not condoning "pay back." I'm just commenting on how things tend to play out.
In my humble opinion, there are a large number of little monsters around (and they grow into big monsters). Some of them, I agree, are made by either bad parenting or circumstances, but some of them are born that way.
I think it's a relatively small number, some of whom do seem to be born that way. Parents can make it worse, or they can learn how to contain and limit inappropriate behavior. "Containing behavior" means intervening in a way that might make things better, sooner, and probably won't make things worse. "Limiting behavior" means identifying triggers, seeing how to prevent them from happening as often, and helping your child behave differently when the trigger does occur. And, of course, no child is a monster, even when their behavior is monstrous.
I do not believe that most kids (nor most adults) reason all that well.
I believe that they do. When you, as a parent, are able to provide a calm and patient presence to your child, you can help them sort through their emotions. Let your child express herself. Listen. Don't try to help your child see it differently, or explain to her why she needn't get so upset. It's true that while she is so upset, she is not going to reason very well. That happens to me too. After you have listened to her, she'll probably be a lot less upset, and she will be able to reason much better. Then you can help her to explore alternatives and potential outcomes. Even very young children do this better than their parents expected they would, when given the opportunity.
When it comes to bringing new people into the world, you never know just who
is going to show up. And if that new personality doesn't mesh well with the parental
personalities, then let the games begin.
I think that one of the most rewarding experiences in life is to discover new ways of approaching problems, different ways of perceiving things in this world. People don't always mesh. Sometimes you need to let some sparks fly in order to weld something new onto yourself.
All the best, and keep up the good work.
Thanks, and the same to you!
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LHMC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.