Hakoras hatov means "noticing something that is good." Young children are taught to say thank you when they are given something because it's courteous to say thank you. You don't wait until your child appreciates that something good has been done for him and wants to express gratitude. You begin by teaching him to say thank you when something happened that he should appreciate, even though he doesn't understand what he's saying, and he doesn't understand what there is to appreciate.

Similarly, young children are prompted to say amen when someone says a bracha. They're taught to say amen even though they have no idea what amen means, and they don't know what the bracha they're responding to means, either. I would hope that as the child grows older, he will be taught the various intentions he may express with his amen as he discerns the meaning of the brachos to which he is responding.

This brings us to the subject of hakoras hatov; noticing, and acknowledging, bracha. How do you help your child discern bracha in his day to day life? How do you help him appreciate what you give to him?

I don't think my son appreciates anything I give to him or do for him because it's never enough. If I take him to the playground, he wants to go to the ice cream store afterwards. If I take him to the ice cream store, he wants three toppings on his cone, not two. If I let him ride his bike in front of our house, he wants to go past the next three houses, and if I let him go there, he wants to go around the corner. All I ever hear about is what he didn't get, and never a thank you for what he did get.

You want your son to say thank you for what you did give him, and not want more than you gave him?

Yes, why can't he ever be satisfied with less than every single thing he wants?

That's an interesting question. It reminds me of something we spoke about two weeks ago. You had been very frustrated with Gavriel because every time you gave him a short list of things to do, he did some of them but he never managed to do all of them. When I asked you how you express your acknowledgment of what Gavriel does accomplish from his lists, you said that if you acknowledged the part that he did do, you'd be condoning the fact that he didn't do the rest. Now you want Gavriel to appreciate what you give him at the ice cream store or the playground, and not be unable to appreciate it because of what you didn't give him. To me, it's parallel. You would like Gavriel to appreciate what he was given even when he wants more, and I would like you to acknowledge what Gavriel does even when you want him to do more. What do you think?

It can be very difficult to notice something your child did well amid the disappointment that she didn't do it even better, to appreciate the part that she got right and not be blinded to it by the part she didn't get right, yet.

It's very important to notice the good part even when it's incomplete or inconsistent. It gives you the opportunity to encourage your child to do even better instead of discouraging her with never having gotten enough. And it reminds you to think of your own success as a parent in the same terms.

Here's a handout I've given to parents attending my groups. It will help you experience, and model, hakoras hatov.

When you are looking for success to appreciate and celebrate:

• Look for less. You'll see more.

· If the glass is half empty, you're looking at the wrong part of the glass.

· If the glass is usually half full, give your child a smaller glass.

Hakoras hatov is a 2 step process. Each step requires kavana, conscious intention.

Step 1

Kavana - think to yourself:

I will now build my midah of hakoras hatov by noticing and planning how to acknowledge something my child has done well.

Then:

Say to yourself: I will now give value to something my child did well even though I want him/her to do it better and more often.

Step 2

Kavana - think to yourself:

I will now build my child's self-esteem by effectively acknowledging something my child has done well.

Then:

Say to your child: You did that so well! You put all of those seforim onto the shelves so neatly! [Be specific and accurate about what your child did.]

Optional: And I'm proud /pleased /glad/ relieved. This may be added to, not substituted for, the "You did that so well!" statement of acknowledgement.

You will find that as you express hakoras hatov to your child more often and more effectively, your child will give you even more to appreciate. She will learn how to notice and express hakoras hatov more often, too. Perhaps that's because hakoras hatov is a mitzvah, and mitzvah goreress mitzvah. [When you do what Hashem expects of you, Hashem gives you the opportunity to do more of it.]

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.