The women in one of my parenting groups asked me to speak with them about hakoras hatov. I began by describing the term and asking them to think about what it literally means. We tend to think of it as "saying thank you." That's not what the words mean. Hakoras hatov means "noticing something that is good." It follows that if your child doesn't notice something that's good she's not going to express appreciation for it. It does not necessarily follow that when your child notices something as being good, she will express appreciation.

Where would you prefer to begin? Do you want to help your child become more aware of what there is to appreciate and then teach her how to express her appreciation, or would you rather just tell her, "say thank you."

I would prefer that you help your child express something that she would like to express rather than just put words into her mouth. When she does not express appreciation, slow down, and wonder the following to yourself:

Is she grateful and she didn't tell me, or did she miss what I think she should be grateful for?

Here is a worksheet that members of the group completed so we'd have some examples to discuss. I hope you'll cut it out, and make copies. It will help you teach your child both components of hakoras hatov: noticing good things and expressing appreciation.

What happened that you thought your child appreciated?

What did your child say about it?

How did you respond to what he/she said?

What would you like your child to say instead or in addition?

How did you express that expectation?

When are pro forma expressions of appreciation (or regret) appropriate?

One of the women shared what she had written.

What happened was that I took my 15-year-old son to the store and bought him a new hat and I thought he appreciated it. What he said was nothing at all, and my response was to say nothing in return because I didn't know what to say; I was so hurt. What I wanted was for him to say thank you, to show some appreciation. How did I express that expectation to him? I said something like, "don't you think you should say thank you?"

I didn't ask that mom to tell us what she had written about pro forma expressions. I was more interested in exploring what went wrong in the scenario she had described so I could help her teach her son how to get it right next time. I asked her to tell us what had happened after she told her son he should've said thank you.

He said he was incredibly embarrassed to be in the hat store with all of his little brothers, sisters, and me, when all of his friends go to the hat store with just their father, or by themselves. I guess he didn't notice what there was to appreciate right that minute because he was still feeling embarrassed over the whole situation. I realized that's why he hadn't said thank you. I've learned to slow down and leave him alone for a while. Sure enough, when he came over to say goodnight to me that evening, he looked me right in the eye, gave me that little half smile of his, and said, "Ma, you bought me a really nice hat. Thank you."

Over the past few months, I have explored with this group of women the relationship between our thoughts and our emotions. This seemed like a good time to revisit those concepts.

You said that when your son didn't say thank you after you bought him the hat you felt hurt. You thought he was being ungracious. In retrospect, you're thinking about it differently. Now you're wondering if he was grateful for the hat and he was embarrassed by having you and his siblings in the hat store and until he got over the embarrassment he wasn't able to express his appreciation but then he did. Now that you're thinking all these things, how hurt are you feeling, in retrospect?

I see what you mean. Had I thought about what the entire situation had been like for him I might've realized why he didn't express appreciation, and I would not have felt hurt, just curious.

Curious about what?

Curious about what was making it difficult for my usually gracious and appreciative child to express appreciation for his new hat, rather than hurt that he hadn't. In the end, he expressed himself very nicely, far more nicely than if I would've said to say thank you and he would have said thank you so I would leave him alone.

It took a while for her son to notice the good outcome beyond the unpleasant circumstances, but when he did, he expressed himself very nicely. The pro forma "say thank you" instruction was unnecessary.

When are pro forma "say thank you" instructions and "say you're sorry" instructions appropriate? When your child is not capable of cognitively discerning what there is to appreciate, or feel sorry for, even when you point it out.

When you think your child may be able appreciate something after you've taken the time to help her notice it, I would urge you to invest the time to help her feel and then express genuine thanks.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.